Daily Musings

Bristol.

2012-02-19T19:38:00.002Z

Last Thursday morning woke up bright and early and caught the Megabus with my Boyfriend. Didn't have much sleep, just broken and full of nightmares. Took a while on the coach. This time it was a double decker which was new for me so got a good view from the top of the bus. Image there is of Cardiff City Hall at 9am.

We got to the Bristol and the weather was glorious. Cold but the sun was shinning and everything looked pretty. Annoyingly we both were kind of ill at the time. We checked out St Nicholas Market, bumped into a friend, walked round lots, even to Cabot Circus and other places then headed to the Novotel where we would be spending the night to check in and drop off our bags. Nathan had a nap and I watched this weird badly made thriller about a couple wanting to conceive, they move back and bump into the husbands ex who then steals and surrogates their baby and starts killing people and animals off. I know super weird.

We then went to check out this Italian restaurant called Dolce Vita that was just on Victoria Street but unfortunately it was no longer there. We took a slight detour to look at other restaurants and ended up back at Cabot Circus where we ended up going to Frankie and Bennies due to their cheap deal they had on. Here is the one and only Boyfriend Nathan. He was busy on his phone as we were waiting for our food to arrive.

The food took ages to arrive and there seemed to be a lot of drama going on between the waiters and the chefs. The food was mediocre and we ended up losing our appetite after the starter because the main took so long to arrive. After the meal we walked back to the Hotel with some snacks we had purchased on the way back. I dozed off at some time whilst silly Nathan did some last minute late work, due in the next day. Yet again I had broken sleep, got woken up by the stupid cleaning lady and lots of noises. We left the room and checked out but Nathan then did more work downstairs in on the computers till we had to leave to catch the Megabus home. The bus was late. AGAIN. Which ment we had to rush to Uni for Nathan to print off and hand his work in. We then headed back to mine to pick up some food then cooked it at his house. We then laid under the duvet for warmth watching Raymond Blanc: The Hungry Frenchman, cooking programme before going to see Brand New.

It was an good first trip by ourselves we had taken. It was annoying that He had to do the work and money problems not letting us from doing more. But I had an awesome time spending it with him and I hope there will be more fun times to come. I think we need to spend more time like that together. Proper no distractions time. I hope the future brings good things from now on.

Brand New.

2012-02-18T17:17:00.000Z

Yesterday, Nathan and I went to the Great Hall in Cardiff to see Brand New. The gig was the last on this tour and they went a bit crazy. They threw many things into the audience and onto the stage such as guitars, drums, toilet roll, recycling bags, bottles, shrimp and many more items.

This gig was insanely awesome.

The music was as always stupendous.

Their stage presence was amazing.

Their support acts were The Xcerts and I Am Avalanche. Both bands were pretty good although their sound was not. You could barely hear the lead singers because the guitar and bass were ridiculously loud. Also now everything sounds slightly muffled. Must remember to bring some ear plugs to the next gig.

I managed to get all the way to the front at the barriers, I got the best view and it was spectacular.

The last song they finished on was You Won't Know which is my FAVOURITE. It was just too good.

AND to top it all off

Jesse Lacey jumped straight off the stage onto me and other people, held him up and carried him before he was yanked back by the bouncers. At some point he chucked his sweat soaked hoody into the crowd and full fight broke out to get it.

Going to upload all my pictures to Flickr and videos to Youtube in due time.

J. Edgar.

2012-02-06T20:13:00.001Z

This film is a biopic of the man behind the creation of the FBI, J. Edgar. This film follows Leonardo DiCaprio playing the leading man when he dictates his life to a number of agents who write his version of his life. The film follows his attempts to woo women, to fall in love with his right hand man, the relationship with his mother, the trials of his work, blackmail, amongst other things.

(This was a random choice of film. It was the only film on at the time, without it being too late for my friend Lori's surprise birthday party as I was playing decoy. )

This film dragged a long time, you would be expecting something exciting or something interesting to happen within this biopic. I have learnt from watching that film that J. E. Hoover was a closet gay, in which he kept his most beloved right hand man with him at all times without never being able to properly show how much he loved him. This was due to his love for his mother who loved her son dearly but did not want him to be or act gay. J. E. Hoover blackmailed and talked the talk to get what he wanted. Towards the end you see the lies that Hoover even told the writers through a montage of what actually happened.

All in all the film was rather boring and I hoped things would get interesting but they never did. Everything was rather grey and bland in every scene. DiCaprio was pretty good as Hoover and Naomi Watts was quite good as Miss Gandy.

I would not watch this film again. Once is enough to handle.

The Artist.

2012-02-06T19:52:00.003Z

This was such an amazing film. I loved it. It was the first film I have watched where I walked out of the screening all relaxed. The film is about an actor called George Valentino that is a famous silent film actor. The talkies enter and he goes from star to a nobody. He meets Peppy Miller along the way and the chemistry between them brings them eventually together.

I love the way this film was made. The music accompanying it was wonderful. The little dog in it was the best thing. Then again I am biased because I love dogs but truly this dog was amazing. The perfect little star. I recommend anyone to go see this film. This seems like a perfect film to show how much films took an impact on people. I am glad a new idea such as this was concocted instead of all these remakes flying around.

Focus.

2012-01-21T17:25:00.002Z

Right this year I needed to properly get my act into gear. Lots of people have been saying "new year, new start". I don't want my year to be a new start. I want it to be the best time of my life. So far this has not been achieved.

I lost my job. My depression has returned with an awful vengeance. I have lost my routine. I am back to constantly worrying about money, the lack of it, the unknown job situation and family problems. Waking up every morning after atrocious sleep filled with waking up from nightmares or barely any sleep. Then being so exhausted and tired throughout the day. The day filled with chores and job searching.

I am so glad for my friends who are in Cardiff that have been looking after me making sure I eat and chill out with. With my depression it has been good to talk to them, to unload all of my emotions, worries and problems. For them being there for me I am eternally grateful. I also realise that I need to surround myself with people that care about me and not to let the other people make me feel miserable about myself.

I need to rebuild my self esteem that is non-existant. I need to love myself again. I have issues with my body and I need to focus on my good parts. I am a curvy hourglass figure with lots of lumps and bumps but I hate how I constantly compare myself with others. I want to stop focusing on failures and bad things and instead focus on the good things.

Each day I pray that life will be kind to me. That I can be happy. That I don't have to battle everything. I am tired of constantly fighting.

Ergh. Man I need a hug.

The Girl With A Dragon Tattoo.

2012-01-01T23:14:00.004Z

I have read this book, watched the Swedish take on the book and the David Fincher remake.

The book was amazing. Got me completely hooked and finished the book in less than a week.

The Swedish version was almost exactly how the characters were in my head. Noomi Rapace was the perfect Lisbeth in my eyes. The film stuck quite close to the book. Some bits obviously were missed out but that always happens with film-book adaptations. Other character choices were not that effective. But i loved how they kept the originality of have swedish actors as the book is based in Sweden.

This is fairly a short concise review of all of them because I recently saw the David Fincher remake. He is my boyfriend's favourite director. So of course he was super excited about the film and that it was going to be 'FUCKING AMAZING'.

Watching it I hated many choices that were made. The beginning credits were pretty awesome but then it went downhill from there. Did not like Daniel Craig being cast as Blomkvist or the issues with his glasses half hanging off his neck. I found that highly INFURIATING towards the end. I did not like when they had some pretty awesome actors playing their parts with swedish accents and Craig DID NOT. When they mess with accents in films its just plain annoying. Fincher also messed around with the way things happened. Things that were important weren't included but things that werent important at all were included. The whole Anita/Harriet things was messed up. Another thing that annoyed me immensely was having Joely Richardson played Harriet Vanger be an Investment Banker in England which was different to the book and previous film. Just because she has swedish looks and matched the idea of how Harriet looked like does not mean she played it properly.
I was very impressed with Rooney Mara as Lisbeth she looked completely different. However, hands down I will always prefer Noomi. Christopher Plummer and Stellan Skarsgard played their parts awesomely.

All in all I did not like the film. Fincher does make a film beautiful but thats it.

Oh another thing, who chose to have such a modern house for Martin Vanger was just plain stupid. Too many windows and secret doors. In the book it was just in the cellar. ERGH.

Anyway yeah. If you loved the book and liked the previous film watch the film to be disappointed.

Check out my boyfriends review. His is much in depth and thorough. :)

Another Year.

2012-01-01T22:02:00.001Z

Another year has gone past. So much has changed and progressed. Managed to finally get a job, make new friends, visit new places, celebrate birthdays, try new food and lots of different shenanigans. So much has happened good, bad and ugly but I am striving in being happy and helping my friends.

This year has been crazy, fun and sad at times but I have progressed so much with my depression. I have learnt that doctors aren't reliable and you have to treat yourself because they end up telling me things I already knew from other doctors and past experience, their knowledge of medicine is stupid and WRONG at times, they really have no idea what they are on about and contradict each other. Hopefully this year I will get a constant reliable doctor that will help and diagnose me correctly with no guess work malarky.

Looking back I have noticed this year I have not written that much in this blog. I think the reasons are that I have finally taught myself to let go, to try and not let little things get to me, to surround myself with people who love and care about me. That is the only way to succeed in happiness in life. To love and be loved.

All I hope with the year 2012 is:

To have a job where each month I can pay off the rent, sustain and pay off my overdraft.

To find a comfy cosy home in Cardiff in which I can have a pet.

To enjoy adventures with family and friends.

To be happy with myself.

I hope these can come true as hoping to win the lottery seems highly unlikely.

Looking Back.

2011-11-23T00:20:00.001Z

I looked back on some little notes I made from July till now.

I need to get motivated again. I need to have something to aim for. I need to actually love myself instead of all this self hatred. I need to get away and have a break somewhere new to find my want for life. This monotonous dread of everyday. I need people who actually care about me in my life not selfish self obsessed twats.

Recently have had no time for writing. I have had inspiration to write my book. My job has finally given me extra shifts which I desperately need. My mind lately has been eaten away with money worries and problems. I feel calmer yet stressed at the same time. SO freaky.

Man I have not written a blog for over 2 months now. I have been crazy busy and oddly have no need to vent out any emotions I have been facing because I seem to have mellowed out and am surrounding myself with people who care about me and do not cause me pain.

I hate how much my head has control over all emotions. I fucking hate severe depression the whole battling against suicidal thoughts is wearing me out to no end. I am so glad to have people to talk to. I hate just waking up and realising how much I hate myself. I strive everyday to wake up and want to be alive. People don't seem to realise how difficult that is. Especially sleeping is such a chore.

A whole mixture of feelings. I just wish things were easier but life is never and will never be easy. Everyday is like taking an exam on life. Hoping each day will be better than the next. I need to find a goal in my life. Something to strive for, right now I just feel at a loose end, battling for money to pay rent, bills and food. Looking back I have changed so much thanks to my determination, solving problems and having loving people around me. I hate how people can be so judging and some so selfish. I just waking up everyday wishing today will be a happy good day. I have actually joined the gym, sorted out a phone, pay off my credit card regularly to build up a good credit rating, bought food for about 2 months, trying to be successful at budgeting my money and trying to survive in life without disaster. I just pray for guidance to help me find some point to aim for in my life. To allow myself to be happy and content.

The Rum Diary.

2011-11-22T23:48:00.003Z

Today watched the film The Rum Diary. It is based on a novel my Hunter. S. Thompson. Before watching this film I read this book and managed to in one day. It got me hooked and I love it, it was awesome that I couldn't put it down. It is about a journalist Paul Kemp (Johnny Depp) who goes to work at a newspaper in Puerto Rico and crazy adventures ensue.

Now the film.

Johnny Depp was just brilliant as Paul Kemp he was exactly how I imagined. What really pissed me off was that they cut Yeoman out completely. He was key in the book, instead they just other characters to fill in his place. Michael Rispoli as Sala was alright when he was playing Sala but not when he had to play Yeoman as well. Amber Heard as Chenault was not how I imagined her. She was sexy and looked good in every outfit but she wasn't right in my eyes.

There were so many discrepancies. Instead of having Yeoman they missed out the scene with him in the newspaper head quarters, they gave the girl Chenault to Sanderson which was just wrong. They barely spoke to Zimmerman and Kemp finding him highly annoying was not portrayed at all really. They missed out the correct way the fight between Sala, Kemp and Yeoman because they cut Yeoman out. The cock fighting was not in the book at all yet it was a fair bit in the film. Not to mention Sala's home was underground with barely any windows and dank horrid place but the way the had the place was just not how I imagined it when I read the book. They cut the carnival and added people to the fact they were on a boat when THEY NEVER WENT ON A BOAT. ARGH.Also my favourite part in the book was the part where Kemp moved out and got his new place. This just didn't happen at all.

All in all so much was cut out of the small book it was ridiculous. It depressed me to see such an awesome story be cut so drastically to the extent I was so bored I want it to end. ACTUALLY. I got angry and infuriated at how much they changed it in hope of making it an attractive film for others when in fact they DESTROYED it. It was just a MASSIVE disappointment. Nothing could save this awful adaptation of the book.

Just don't go anywhere near it, just curl up with the book in a comfy seat all cosy.

Cowboy Vs Aliens Against Smurfs.

2011-09-01T22:48:00.001+01:00

I know it seems like a weird combination but those are the two films I have watched and managed to have the time to review. I watched Cowboy Vs Aliens yesterday with the boyfriend. The film is super weird and confusing. The main plot is about a cowboy that is a killer but has lost his memory has a weird cuff on his arm. He is arrested and then aliens attack a town. Lots of loved ones and family members of these villagers get taken. So these cowboys go after the aliens in hope of getting their families back. There is a big battle and everything gets super confusing and boring because nothing really makes sense. It stars Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde. Daniel Craig's character is stupid. He is a robber/murderer but so goes around in a daze between flashbacks and travelling. Harrison Ford played a father of a spoilt brat and the boss of all the cattle herders. Olivia Wilde had a stupid role. I hated how her part in the film was stupidly far-fetched and ridiculous. She ends up being an alien after they burn her body on a fire. She then saves the world from being murdered from more aliens by exploding the scout ship.

In this film I was so confused I didn't know what was really going on. This led to a boring film where I couldn't wait for it to finish. Don't bother watching it unless you enjoy being confused. Harrison Ford played his character well. The rest were just annoying. Overall, I really did not like this film. It made no sense, it was confusing and just full of nonsense.

Been playing Borderlands on the Xbox with the boyfriend lots recently. It had been lots of fun. :) Not to mention moving homes. SOOO glad to have to have left my ex awful house. New House and housemates cannot wait :)

On the other hand. Today I watched Smurfs with my friend Lori, after the initial film was not in the cinemas. Smurfs is a proper children's happy film. SUPER cheesy and cringey. It was a good film in showing how CGI has progressed. The actors did not work well with these non-existant Smurfs but at least they tried. A feel good film that was more entertaining than Cowboys Vs Aliens thanks to Azriel the cat and sidekick of Gargamel. The way that she was created and how she communicated was amazing and just how I imagined it. The best part in the film was towards the end when "she says" or more miaows and subtitles show she asks "Are you dead?". This is an ongoing theme in the film where Gargamel throws Azriel into danger and unknown places and asks this. It will make more sense for those who have watched the film. The Smurfs all are just like they were in the cartoon but in 3D form.

Overall, it was a good film that could be seen once of occasionally with young children.

Afterwards there is always an H&M trip will always bears fruits. New jeans and a shirt dress that fit perfectly. First time in a super long time I have bought anything that I have needed and wanted for a long time. Just await my bond to get back to help pay for rent for next month.

Busy.

2011-08-16T09:48:00.001+01:00

Back from Norway, gone to work, had a day off sorting out things and packing and now Camping in the Gower. Then work the day after getting back.

Busy busy busy.

Havent done my review for Captain America yet. It was an awesome film, recommend the watch. Many things to discuss when I return.

Travel.

2011-08-07T00:31:00.000+01:00

I have to get up at 5am today. Not looking forward to that at all but oh well sacrifices must be made to have fun in a different country like NORWAY. Going with my best bud, roller derby sister and future housemate Lucie who is half norwegian. New culture and sights to behold. Excited and anxious at the same time.

Haven't posted much due to being busy hanging out with the boyfriend, working and getting rather addicted to playing Mass Effect 2. Such a good game :)

Anyways must sleep got four and a half hours sleep ahead of me before the stress of travelling.

Money.

2011-08-01T16:32:00.000+01:00

I have lost all hope in life. Life I swear is just against me. Everything I strive to do to let me just be happy in life just gets destroyed. Right now money is a massive worry. I do not get paid enough to live in Cardiff. My experiment of finding out how much I spend in a month on food, bills and other necessities amounts to £300 or so and then rent is £255. So together I pay £555 a month. But my pay is only about £470. I only hope that my pay is even bigger next month. Although September pay will be shockingly bad. But the rent in my new house is less. Wooo. This month is the most expensive. I have to pay my bond and first months rent for my new house as well as paying my final rent for the old house. So £805 to spend on houses. But no money at all for living. My pay is ridiculous and my hours are not enough.

I just feel so hollow inside and unhappy with house badly the money situation is affecting me. I DO NOT want to return home because I am more likely to find another job in Cardiff than leave my job here to go back home to rent free living. Well more like depression centre. Living in the middle of nowhere with no car and no job. I don't even want to go outside or walk past shops to be tempted to buy anything with no money that I have.

I don't know what I need to do. I do not know how to raise the money or actually stay alive to stay in my new house. I am scared about asking my dad for the money because I know he wants me to come back home so he wont lend me the money to pay the bond. I would get money from my old house in september so I could pay him back. That way I could pay for my new house and move in and then be ok for house wise. I guess just massive problems with eating and surviving.

Also I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to or anyone who could help me with this huge problem. I am looking for replacement jobs that are full time and give me enough money to be able to live in Cardiff and not turn into a skeleton. I look so miserable but I cannot stop letting this MASSIVE problem get to me.

Another issue I need to tackle is comparing to others. I have to stop doing this because it is not helping me or my non-existant self esteem. ARGH. I am just so annoyed at myself and my situation. I feel so helpless and lost.

:'(

Work.

2011-07-26T22:47:00.003+01:00

Today has been a horrid day.

Work was awful, my manager is such a lazy person its insane. He just treats us like slaves. I thought about hitting him today because I was so angry at him. When I am in work I get in the most money in with selling the till lines and other products. I am the one who serves the most customers. And HE just sits on the computer or moves things around. I ALSO do your set of things to do like going up and down stairs moving stock, cleaning, emptying bins, recycling. ARGH I get so angry because then HE treats me with a patronising and condescending nature. And he doesnt treat me like that but also my fellow colleague. There is no need. Man I hate work when he is in.

Then had problems with my housemate and issues with my new future house. Battling over rooms and fairness. Then lost my nose stud.

Now I have had curry and an icecream whilst watching some TV. Calmed down a bit. Another long day of work ahead tomorrow and preparing for the sale. Also I hate chav children the thieving TWATS. Argh.

Wow I havent really written many blogs this month. This is probably to lots of hours at work and not really being at home or not even having time to pour my heart and anxieties. Not to mention the boyfriend having a home nearby and visiting lots.

Need to stop letting things eat at me. I need to be stronger. I need a better job. Why is life so darn difficult. Why do I let things pile on and then wipe me out. ARGH.

On a plus note going to Norway which I am SO RIDICULOUSLY EXCITED about. I have never visited that part of the world and so many people have told me to go there if you have a chance. Although in latest events of the crazy mass murderer killing the youths I am a bit scared.

Transformers 3 Vs Larry Crowne.

2011-07-08T00:49:00.001+01:00

Transformers: The Dark Side of The Moon.

This film just like the second was a disappointment. So much action scenes but the plot was pathetic. The only thing that saved this film for me was seeing Bumblebee and Shia La Beouf. Basic plot is that the Autobots learn of a Cybertronian spacecraft hidden on the Moon, and race against the Decepticons to reach it and to learn its secrets. The actress in it that played Shia's love interest was completely useless and cannot act in the slightest. She constantly wore tight figure hugging clothing, mainly white and stiletto heels. Even when in the midst of disaster and rubble of the city of Chicago she was still walking in heels. What a complete ridiculous thing. Argh, that really irritated me. The film just seemed so mismatched. Lots of new Autobots and mass of Decepticons. Some parts were funny and I did enjoy it in 3D. Although the story, certain actors and plot were awful I enjoyed it only thanks to Bumblebee and Shia La Beouf because of how he acts just like he was in Even Stevens. CGI effects were spectacular as usual, so many action scenes and crazy angles of film shot.

Larry Crowne.

Was an awesome feel good film. I wasnt expecting much due to its lack of advertising I almost forgot about it. I am so glad I watched it. The film is based around the character Larry Crowne played by Tom Hanks. He is fired from his job because he cannot progress up the ladder of U-Mart. He goes to college and starts two classes. Along the way he meets people and makes friends with others who take care of him in his difficult times of looking after money and getting a job. I found this film rather optimistic and hopeful. That you can make friends help you become the best you can be. I loved it actually. It was upbeat and happy. A film that has both of those is rare to find and soothed my mood especially well. Not to mention the film started and ended with two amazing songs by the Electric Light Orchestra.

I know you cannot really compare such different types of genres of films. But I did. Overall I found Larry Crowne to be worthwhile and an awesome film and Transformers 3 dull and irritating most of the time.

Bridesmaids.

2011-07-02T20:27:00.000+01:00

Recently I have watched the film Bridesmaids. The reviews compared it to The Hangover and saying it was the female opposite. I disagree. IMDB says:

"Annie (Kristen Wiig), is a maid of honor whose life unravels as she leads her best friend, Lillian (Maya Rudolph), and a group of colorful bridesmaids (Rose Byrne, Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon-Covey and Ellie Kemper) on a wild ride down the road to matrimony. Annie's life is a mess. But when she finds out her lifetime best friend is engaged, she simply must serve as Lillian's maid of honour. Though lovelorn and broke, Annie bluffs her way through the expensive and bizarre rituals. With one chance to get it perfect, she'll show Lillian and her bridesmaids just how far you'll go for someone you love."

Seems like a perfect romantic comedy. SO Wrong. I was rather bored or blocking my ears or not watching because it was so embarrassing cringey. It was rather predictable at times as well. The best person was Chis O'Dowd (best known in The I.T. Crowd) who played his part so well and made it entertaining. The rest of the film just did not be what I expected. It is nothing like The Hangover female version at all. It is a load of boring nonsense. I do want to say that I enjoyed it but I didn't really at all. It was full of issues that I have to face or worry about facing and it just didnt solve any of the issues apart from finding a decent guy and fixing problems with a best friend.

All in all just go watch Bridesmaids for Chris O'Dowd the rest is not really worth watching. It did cause some laughs but not many. It has been a while since I wrote a review for the film and actually watching it and it has easily been forgotten.

The Green Lantern.

2011-06-22T23:56:00.004+01:00

Yesterday went with the boyfriend to the cinema to watch The Green Lantern. This film is about Hal Jordan (Ryan Renolds) "who is a test pilot, is granted a mystical green ring that bestows him with otherworldly powers, as well as membership into an intergalactic squadron tasked with keeping peace within the universe". (Thanks IMDB) Basically just some random guy with a mustang, who is a bit of a womaniser and flies planes. Then gets transported by a random green glowing sphere to a purple alien and gets chosen to by a green lantern.

It also starred Blake Lively who was rather annoying and pathetic in her role has the boss of Hal and the love interest. She is exasperating in general. I know she is the plays the whole femme fatale role, but still OTT a bit yea? Plus she always has pristine hair, makeup and clothing in every scene, even in the battle scenes. Who the hell wears heals when running around trying to save her life. Idiot. ERGH. Her acting was awful and pitiful. She should go back to playing annoying school girls in Gossip Girl. Ryan Renolds no offence but I dont know what girls see in you and are like "OMG hes so hot! He's so fit! Look at his luscious body!" Erm. No. He is just gross and has an obnoxious voice and just seems a bit of a slimeball. Ergh (rant over)

The film had lots of CGI. The green lantern suits were awesome and the will-power weapons were pretty cool. Some laughs arose but at the cheesiness and awfulness of the script. The secret laboratory was really awesome and a great concept. It made a possible boring scenario looks exciting. I am quite glad I wasn't expecting too much because I heard many bad reviews and rightly so. It just seem overall pretty lame. Ryan Renolds I find rather irritating and alongside Blake Lively made it cringey to watch and SUPER cheesy in places. There was a part in which I really jumped. The part when Hector (Peter Sarsgaard) uses his 'fear' powers and shoves a needles into a guys eye and kills him. Anything that sharp, thin and small into the eye looks so incredibly painful. OUCH.

Also the whole reminiscing of Hal's childhood and the death of his father was just annoying. It felt to me rather disjointed and overdramatic. His near death and explosion of a very expensive jet was predictable. Not to mention whenever I heard them mention the name Hal Jordan all I could think of was Flash Gordon. Ok we get your dad died testing a plane, get over it already. Don't become a pilot if you arent ready to face your emotions and fears. Fool.

What was rather annoying was that Fear/Parallex killed many Green Lanterns yet one Ryan Renolds defeated him. SO predictable that this would be the way it would end. And the mentioning of "Be careful of suns having their own gravity" knew it would be the way to kill something. Some crazy storm with a weird head sucking the innards or more spiritual skeletons out of anything with a backbone to make itself bigger. And one guy defeats it. Oh then he is a MASSIVE hero. Predictable.

Overall,
This film was a bit of a let down and incredibly chees-ily predictable. CGI was pretty good and sets were awesome but rather a lame film. Plus having two actors i find irritating in one film rather grated on me a lot. Only bother watching for your own opinion or curiosity to be quenched... or destroyed to boredom of the predictable.

So Lost.

2011-06-16T22:08:00.000+01:00

Today has been such a crazy day full of different emotions. Yesterday had an awesome evening at my friends Rob and Lori's. Yummy food and pictionary. But got back about 2am and then had to get up early. Didn't sleep too good because of stressing over the fact the big boss was arriving at work. So arrived to work on time this morning was happy and kept busy all day and then was made to work over my paid time because of the work they gave me last minute of giving catalogues and staff discount around St Davids. There were so many cute babies and toddlers. SUPER ANNOYED. Also I was thinking that I wouldnt have my lunch break because I was almost finished but then I was kept in longer. AAARRGGGGHHH. Then popped in to see Lucie after work and got a big bag of freebies after getting a store credit card. It was only a in the past two days I have got a proper credit card and replanted my chives. Gardening and sorting out my credit rating just part of the adult life. Scary. Then walked home and had my lunch as a snack before some curry. Watching Lee Evan live at the O2 with Lowri.

I came home after a stressful busy day at work where the big boss didnt even turn up. So stressed and panic about work. ARGH. Then coming home to an angry warning bill from the water company. Housemates have come and moving out and being idiots. We had rung the water company and told them we are only here till end of august how much do we pay and they shouted at us and said ring us later. Then we have a red letter and saying we should pay. WE RANG YOU TO PAY YOU, YOU IDIOTS!

I am so tired and exhausted of everything going wrong. It has also dawned on me that I cant be at my job alone. I have to have another part time job or get a full time job. I am not being given enough hours to cover rent, food, bills and future council tax.

Also my phone has decided to be stupid and not work. The internet didnt seem to work so I rebooted it and then its somehow stuck in the stupid ClockworkMod Recovery v3.0.2.4 and I have no idea how to fix it. Anything I have tried hasnt work. Nathan isnt here to ask. ARGH.

Then now sitting alone by myself with my overactive brain stressing and panicking myself so badly about the job and money situation, phone not working, bad day at work and adult life. So close to tears and have no idea how to solve my problems.

Costco.

2011-06-14T11:21:00.001+01:00

Today my dear friends Lori and Rob, Robs parents took to my first ever trip to the American wholesaler Costco. This place is just a ginormous warehouse with just masses of multiples of everything and more that you can think of. My eyes kept popping out at the vast quantities of everything. Shopping made so much simpler and cheaper in masses batches. Although the prices sometimes were worth buying in batches but some items were not. Got lots of awesome Polish meats, herbs, nibbles, manuka honey, caramelised onion chutney and face wipes, and/or probably some more things but I cannot remember. They even have a cafe that serves unhealthy american food. Then a small trip to get bits and bobs in Asda before popping back to their house and then getting dropped off at mine where I have played Xbox. Almost finished LA Noire and played Rock Band 2. Now just getting ready to get ready for a night out.

I feel oddly lost. Lots of people have gone home for the summer and I am not working till Saturday which is annoying. Also the one person I talk to all the time and see often is out of contact.

Update.

2011-06-11T19:50:00.000+01:00

Haven't had much time to blog recently due to working and the medications making me like a zombie and suicidal. I am thank goodness getting off them soon. I have been so tired all the time, short attention span, forgetful, drained, exhausted and miserable. My emotions have been a mixture of unhappiness, sadness and suicidal. Anti-depressants are supposed to make you feel better. I was taking them to aid in falling asleep and soothe headaches which are the side effects of them. However, they did not work and I am better off without them. Just will have to deal with the pain whilst I wait for the MRI scan letter from the hospital.

Today work has been rather fun and was walking back in the sunshine with awesome music blaring and was actually happy. That has not happened in so long. Work has always been hard work and always wanted to leave. Hopefully I will get some shifts during the week. Just so annoyed with myself and the fact that I have temporarily mislaid my name badge. Hopefully it will appear somewhere soon.

Not going on holiday this year due to work and trying to earn lots of money so I can stay in Cardiff. Hopefully maybe for a week I can go away somewhere in the UK. Just to have a little break and rest.

One lives in hope something will go right. Winning some money on the lottery would help immensely. Also so glad its strawberry and raspberry season got an amazing bargain of 3 punnets of raspberries and 1 large punnet of strawberries for only £2. Amazing bargain :)

X-Men: First Class

2011-06-04T22:59:00.000+01:00

On Thursday watched the prequel of Xmen, X-Men: First Class. IMDB says "Before Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr took the names Professor X and Magneto, they were two young men discovering their powers for the first time. Before they were archenemies, they were closest of friends, working together, with other Mutants (some familiar, some new), to stop the greatest threat the world has ever known. In the process, a rift between them opened, which began the eternal war between Magneto's Brotherhood and Professor X's X-MEN". Charles Xavier is played by James McAvoy and Erik Lensherr is played by Michael Fassbender. I thought they played their roles well. The film was pretty awesome, Hugh Jackman's cameo as Wolverine was rather funny and well placed. Nicholas Hoult played his part well but when he changed into Beast. The prosthetics looked awful and was so bad in the way Beast never looked so pathetic like he did. It was annoying in the way that the evil german doctor Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) and his evil gang just suddenly appeared to be causing havoc. We never do find out about the Hurricane Man and The Reappearing Devil. Some random loose ends that needed to be sorted, they do have names but I have not seen them appear anywhere else in the other X-Men related films. Special Effects were pretty good. The submarine sequence was amazing. I did laugh when Erik used his powers and held Charles down when the plane was rolling on the sand. It was only me that found it funny. Does make me chuckle even thinking about it. Overall it was an awesome film. I didn't have any expectations about this film and I am glad because of previous disappointments with The Hangover 2.

The Hangover II

2011-05-28T22:23:00.002+01:00

On Thursday I watched The Hangover II. When I first watched The Hangover, I was blown away by how funny and different it was to any other film I had watched. Good plot, humour and randomness made it a hilarious and an amazing film. The basic storyline of The Hangover was about Doug (Justin Bartha) getting married and going to Las Vegas for his stag do with his two best friends Stu (Ed Helms), Phil (Bradley Cooper) and his fiance's brother Allan (Zack Galifianakis). All hell breaks loose and crazy shenanigans occur after spiked pre-drinks. I guessed I just expected the sequel to be better or the same as the first film but it wasn't.
In The Hangover II, Ed is getting married in Thailand. He tells his friend's that he doesn't really want a stag do, and that he is having a small brunch before jetting on a 16hr flight to a stunning resort in Thailand where the wedding will take place. At the last minute, Ed is persuaded to ask Allan to attend even though he doesn't want him to. After this all insane mischievousness ensue. I was quite disappointed as it was a literal storyline of the previous film and this made it unbelievable. Like Mr Chow appearing on a yacht, getting into so much trouble like burning down a bar, beating people up, stealing a monk and a monkey and so on. There were a few parts where I did laugh lots which mainly included Allan. The part of Stu's reaction when Phil gets shot was hilarious. They all played their characters superbly although Stu's Fiance's brother was an awful actor. Right at the end it was wooden and bad. The idea that he was left in the hotel they suddenly found themselves in Bangkok was stupid and made no sense why they would head there. The photos with the credits made more sense to see what supposedly happened.
Overall, this film was an entertaining watch, however, I love the first film too much to accept that the sequel was on par and I am always laughing to much whilst watching it, no matter how many times I have seen it. The chemistry between Zack, Bradley and Ed is brilliant in both films.

Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides.

2011-05-25T23:11:00.000+01:00

Today went and watched Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides. Heard many bad reviews about this film. I found the film entertaining thanks to the one and only Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. Penelope Cruz made the film cringey and she was just really annoying and wooden. Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa was good as always even with half a leg missing. The chemistry between Sparrow and Barbossa worked well especially in the retrieval of the chalices. Ian McShane as Blackbeard was quite good. I was quite surprised with the clergyman and the mermaid's relationship it worked quite well even if super cheesy at times. Effects were pretty good but that was expected with the vast budget. All in all, the film was not the best compared to the other Pirate films but it was entertaining even if it wasn't as good. Depp made this film entertaining and funny, he is awesome and plays Sparrow superbly. Without him it would have been unbearable.

Today also bought L.A. Noire. Addicted already. Annoyed at myself as well at not being able to guess everything correctly, dying or not getting to the suspect in time. ARGH. Hopefully in time I shall become better. The effects of the games are beyond awesome. So thoroughly detailed its amazing.

Work.

2011-05-18T22:47:00.000+01:00

Today was my first day at work at Hawkins Bazaar. It was good. Even if it was super tiring and i feel so drained. Had a curry and cider after work to relax and watched TV. I was good to be working. Just play with toys to advertise to kids/parents and got till training. Working Friday and Saturday as well. Hopefully get the money rolling in so can hopefully get out of the overdraft soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good relaxing warm day. So tired make no sense. Don't know if its worth starting to play Xbox now or not. Probably not because I am so exhausted.

Twenty Three.

2011-05-17T17:13:00.001+01:00

Yesterday was my twenty-third birthday. It was an amazing day. I woke up early at 8am filled with excitement. Opened all my post and cards that arrived in the post and presents from the boyfriend. Got a call from Hawkins Bazaar telling me I had got the job and that I start on wednesday. Had some breakfast and played some Mass Effect on the Xbox. Left the house and walked into town and had lunch at Madame Fromage. The waitress wasn't very good. She stank of bad BO, bad memory and a cock up with the order. I asked for no butter about four times and she even wrote it down on her pad yet she still put it in the order of The Mighty Meaty (a baguette with milano, chorizo and ham with a big side salad and come chutney). Then walked around town and had a luxurious brownie from the New York Deli. Walked back home and relaxed playing Mass Effect. The got ready and left to have a meal at Ruby Tuesday's. Lots of friends turned up, others didn't which was a shame but I had fun and delicious food without them. Got a free cocktail call a Grey Goose something. It was very tasty. I also had a salad (which was free) and a petite rump steak with broccoli, baked potato which had cheese, sour cheese and bacon bits. It was amazing and finished my plate but I was stuffed. Walked back home got ready and people arrived for pre-drinking. Many people arrived and had a full house of bodies. Left the house for Fun Factory about twelve. Had a great time dancing away with free booze flowing. Got home about three in the morning and fell asleep.

I am so grateful and happy for all my friends and family that have given me presents, cards, phone calls, texts and/or spent the day with me. I had lots of fun and it has been an amazing birthday.

Today I am just trying relax and charge my batteries after a crazy awesome busy day and prepare myself for my first day of work wednesday. Making stuffed peppers for dinner and looking forward to CSI that is on tonight. Hopefully I will be amazing at work tomorrow.

Something Borrowed.

2011-05-14T23:24:00.000+01:00

The film, Something Borrowed, I wasn't expecting much at all. The film is about two best friends. Darcy (Kate Hudson) is engaged to Dex who Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) is in love with. Marcus the annoying friend that thinks he is the best thing since sliced bread for women. It was actually bearable. There were some funny parts, cringey and sad parts in the film. The guy with a good looking body half topless at times for the ladies. It was very predictable. Hudson did a good job being a spoilt, selfish and annoying best friend. Dex was bit of a douchebag and Goodwin was alright and worked well in being a pushover friend. All in all the film was good but it is more of a background film where you do chores or work. It was much better than Cedar BORING Rapids and Attack the GORE Block.

Cedar Rapids Vs Attack The Block.

2011-05-13T22:49:00.000+01:00

Cedar Rapids

This film is about a guy who is an insurance salesman who is seeing his old primary school teacher. He is sent to an Insurance convention to win an award. He makes new friends, tries new things, finds out secrets and becomes a better person. Lots of crazy but pointless shenanigans and rather boring. I almost walked out halfway. This film seemed to promote getting drunk and doing stupid stunts a good thing. Crashing parties and having sex with a married woman to be just fine. The jokes and supposed funny bits were not funny. At all. The parts in the credits were stupid and the set unbelieveable. Overall, this film was boring silly and completely pointless. Don't waste time or money going to see it unless you want to be bored to death or into a coma.

Attack The Block

Basically aliens attacking a block of flats to find the dead female alien that was murdered by a bunch of London young ruffians. What a pile of nonsense. I found this so irritating and wishing people spoke correctly and not in their weird awful slang. The death of individuals were intentionally gory. The aliens were just black messy things with glowing neon blueish teeth. This may have been entertaining for some audiences but I found it so irritating and a big joke. The adverts made it seem better than it was. Bit of a disappointment. I was hoping it was funnier instead of cringey. It too was also a bit of a joke, kind of an embarrassment. Overall, a film that I shall quickly forget.

Next week Pirates of the Caribbean 4 is out and Tangled is out on DVD too. I cannot wait for that I loved that film. I feel like I am still a child inside but it was an awesome film. Going to see Something Borrowed tomorrow hopefully see if it is as atrocious as its reviews.

One Year.

2011-05-09T14:04:00.001+01:00

Today is also exactly one year since I started writing this blog. Looking back I have come so far in getting better and sorting my life out for the better, hopefully. Soooo much has happened over this year. The good, bad and the sad times. My life is at a good point but it can be better. I will feel much better once I have a job, so I can find a house after the tenancy for this one I am living in ends, so I can stay in Cardiff to try and find what I want to do with life. I have realised Life can be so difficult and a constant challenge. I have tried to keep busy and not to allow little things to get to me. Being happy is was my aim and to sort out my uni problems. Now my aim for the next year is to continue being happy and to organise my life here in Cardiff. I am happy about my new friends I have made, my road of finding myself, hopefully finishing my degree, having more motivation and drive into doing something and staying away from how I was at the beginning of last year. I will be rid of depression, one way or another I shall stay happy and battle for a decent life full of joy and happiness.

Thanks to my loan I have manage to purchase a weeks worth of food. YAY. Also I have made some lovely goodies.
Nutty Marshmallow Bites:

This is the first time I have made these and it is an adaptation of an American recipe for Butterscotch Confetti Squares. It was a bit boring so next time I may add some chocolate and nuts to make it better. The recipe is good but I can make it better.

Indulgent Chocolate Mousse:

This is my fourth time I have made these and it has been my best yet. It is an adaptation of Nigella Lawson's Instant Chocolate Mousse but mine made 8 of them instead of 4-6 and its much more luxurious and richly filling. Lots still let in the fridge. Yummy.

Purchased a new phone yesterday. My old phone was not fulfilling its jobs as letting me know when people would text me or ring me. Hopefully this one will last longer and will actually do its job. It is a bit of a palaver in unlocking and sorting it out to get rid of all the Orange spam.

The weather is so weird. One minute its super dark with pouring rain and lightning, then its all sunny and warm or its sunny and raining. No idea how to dress for this weather. Need to get out of the house but I may just leave it till later when the rain has stopped for a while.

Need a haircut I miss having a shorter decent more manageable hair do. Boyfriend thinks my hair is too short. I feel its waaay to long so its hopefully getting the chop on wednesday.

Friday.

2011-05-06T19:15:00.000+01:00

Exhausted. In pain. Hopefully the meds I forgot to pick up today I will pick up tomorrow. Then blood test on wednesday and a letter about an MRI scan. Did my first big food shop since my loan came in and hopefully it will last about a week. Need to get back into focusing on food or anything to keep me from feeling miserable. I have resorted to lots of chores to forget the horrible thoughts. I hate also being at home by myself. Any noise freaks me out and it is rather lonely. Been applying to jobs and I doubt I will hear anything from anywhere. Obviously life doesn't want me to have a job so I can stay in Cardiff. Feeling super low today and being in pain doesn't help. Was going to go to the cinema tonight but too exhausted and plus going by myself back home in the dark and most likely rain will be super scary. So much still to do, wash dirty dishes, tidy kitchen and my room and put my bedding on. The Mentalist on TV tonight so something small to look forward to. Ergh. Need a hug and a cry to relieve this sadness.

Thor.

2011-05-05T23:27:00.001+01:00

Went and saw Thor yesterday. It was rather entertaining. The only problem was the trailers gave too much of the story away. You kind of knew what to expect and was rather predictable. The film is about the powerful but arrogant warrior Thor (Chris Hemsworth) who is cast out of the fantastic realm of Asgard and sent to live amongst humans on Earth, where he soon becomes one of their finest defenders. There was lots of action sequences which seemed bit over the top and a mess at times. Natalie Portman is everywhere, she wasn't too bad just a bit melodramatic. Some bits I found rather funny. The CGI wasn't too bad. Overall I did enjoy the film and I loved the space sequence in the credits and the added clip at the very end was pretty cool. Plus for girls there was a pretty good moment...

I hate the fact Cineworld have hiked the price for card. Must go see lots of films while I can so I get more for my money. Going to go see Cedar Rapids or Hanna next. Will have to see how I feel tomorrow.

Ergh.

2011-05-03T20:56:00.002+01:00

I am completely exhausted. Must rest. Doctors thursday. Feel like death.

Easter Egg and Despicable Me.

2011-04-30T16:52:00.001+01:00

Arrived back from my journey from home back to Cardiff. So glad it didn't rain and it was nice and warm. I have got the best easter egg ever. It has been the best easter egg I have ever received so far in my life. Courtesy of my lovely boyfriend. Cannot wait to consume this glorious beast.

Then had dinner at Radhuny, an indian restaurant on City Road. The food was really nice :) and the taxi man back home was rather funny. Also watched Despicable Me relaxing in my bed that I missed dearly.

Despicable Me is actually a pretty good film. I wasn't expecting much because I did not want to get my hopes up and it was actually quite funny at parts. I was unaware that Julie Andrews and Russell Brand was in it. Steve Carrell was amazing he always makes me laugh. The little yellow men were funny and I loved how they had normal names even though they don't look normal at all. The little girl Agnes was so cute and reminded me of my youngest sister. It is a good animation that cheers you up and passes the time. It was hundreds times better than Rio but not as good as Tangled.

So glad to be back in Cardiff. The weather seems nicer and I love the freedom I have of walking anywhere at anytime. I do miss driving and having a car to drive. Back to trying to find a job again. Ergh.

Six Years.

2011-04-27T14:29:00.000+01:00

Today is the day exactly six years ago my Mum passed away.

Not a day has gone by that I haven't missed her or wished she was still with us.

But she is better off with no pain where she is.

You were the one that was always there for me. The one I always turned to. You taught me well in life.

I wish you could see me now.

I hope you are proud of me.

Mamo, kocham cię.

Hurt.

2011-04-23T20:52:00.000+01:00

I give up. No wonder being at home makes me worse. I am surrounded by people who don't care. I pester people to take their own initiative, to help everyone in the house. I do not want to come over and then do everything and if I don't do anything to then been told off. Surrounded my hypocrites. I hate being here. Sometimes it is bearable. Most of the time it isn't. I don't have any space to myself. It is pointless in communicating with anyone because ever time I am judged for what I do, what I say, the way I look, what I wear. I thought families were there for you, to be able to help you, to stand by you. I feel like an outsider in my own family. Sometimes I like being here, like playing badminton outside. The majority of the time I cannot stand it. Its not home anymore. I just want to somewhere where I am surrounded by people who want to spend time with me for being me. Playing badminton is good. But I feel unappreciated and unloved here. I haven't seen any of my friends but hopefully will see at least two. So tempted in getting an earlier train and leaving a day earlier. Pity it costs so much to travel. I just feel so alone here and sad.

I miss my Mum so much. She was the only one who understood me. I understand now how much she had to go through to get anything done except I don't really have any authority here. Middle sister hates me. She has issues. The rest are still just children or have better things to do than help or think on their own two feet. I am exhausted. I cannot really sleep here. I wake up feeling worse then before I went to sleep. I feel like I want to cry. Like I have no one to talk to, without being patronised in return. I feel so alone here. I need a hug and shoulder to cry on. I should be stronger but my family completely strip me to pieces. I am always in the wrong even though I am right. No one believes me. My dad still doesn't listen to me even though I tell him how people are. There is lack of discipline. I heard that my Mum said something along the lines of: to go to Marta, she will be there to sort things out and make things good. I have yet to have my family appreciate me and for what I do.

What is the point of being around?

P.S. I miss you so much. I need a hug. Wish I was seeing you on Wednesday. You would help me feel better.

Home.

2011-04-22T19:23:00.000+01:00

Since being back home I have cooked, cleaned and do what I normally do for myself for my family. Much more work. Hence why the decreasing amount of posts. Also not much help from others. But it is awful that I just feel unappreciated. The tidied rooms weren't even noticed. The food was amazingly lush and they all loved it. One sister still doesn't nothing to help around the house. Selfish and acts like a brat. I am so exhausted.

Understandably I want to go back to Cardiff already.

I have nothing to do Wednesday and have no available friends either. I hate this Wednesday. It will be the 6 year anniversary of my Mum's death and I will be all by myself or with my grandmothers that have issues with everything I do or don't do, everything I wear and my piercings.

I feel sad.

Your Highness.

2011-04-18T16:40:00.000+01:00

The trailers for this film made it seem it was quite a funny film. Basic storyline: "Prince Fabious's (James Franco) bride (Zooey Deschanel) is kidnapped, he goes on a quest to rescue her... accompanied by his lazy useless brother Thadeous (Danny Mcbride).The film was rubbish. Lots of cringey childish humour. Well not childish as most children would now be allowed to watch the film. Rather it was just plain crude humour. At some points it was funny but the majority of the time is seemed like they were trying too hard for it to make the audience laugh. Natalie Portman seems to be appearing in lots of films recently. James Franco, I worry because he is such an amazing actor but this film did nothing for him. Zooey Deschanel was boob candy for the guys alongside lots of almost naked Natalie Portman. Overall, disappointed at how awful it was because it could have been so much better. Don't recommend it at all.

Oh well, roll on next film after Easter to tickle my taste buds.

Self Image.

2011-04-15T11:17:00.002+01:00

In today's society self image plays a major role. The thousands of magazines, posters, pictures, films and videos always have actors/models with bodies that are 'perfectly toned', 'beautiful skin', 'wonderful hair and makeup' and everything else in between. All of which have been enhanced with photoshop so no wonder its not a reachable goal for the normal soul. Due to how they are portrayed to people in today's society, its understandable for others to bully and comment on other peoples appearances.

Everyone looks different, even identical twins have certain characteristics that are different. People are so obsessed with looking a certain way. Cosmetic surgery is now a hip thing to be a part of whether it is liposuction, face lift or Botox. There are so many people going under the knife to maintain or fix their issues that they have with the way that they look. There are so many people doing fad diets, starving, with eating disorders because of how self conscious and unhappy they are with how they look and how others think of the way they look. I even remember watching a programme where a 12 year old girl in America wanted to get liposuction. I also hate how teenagers or even younger than that are brought up to have make overs. When I was their age I didn't care that much. Now there is so much pressure for young girls to look perfect at school, with hair, clothing and makeup being pristine.

I watched a video of a girl who made a video of showing what she thought with playing cards over some music. She apparently committed suicide three days after making the video because of being bullied of the way she looked. In my opinion I find people who have committed suicide or want to commit suicide weak and selfish. Committing suicide only hurts those who are left behind, those who will miss you, those who need you. Battling through the emptiness in life, the unwanted images and thoughts that plagued the mind, the name calling and bullying is the only way in making yourself stronger. I have battled and do battle with suicidal thoughts. In my dire times of severe depression the suicidal thoughts were incredibly strong and I would have to walk away from the possible methods of death. People who commit suicide may feel that nothing can be fixed, that everything is going wrong, that life is not worth living, that you are worthless and unwanted. This is not true. You are always wanted. You are not worthless. You are needed. Dying is not the end of suffering especially for those that surrounded by the victim. Letting yourself succumb to these thoughts and killing yourself may end your life but leaves the people around you sad and empty. There are always other ways in overcoming issues and problems.

Why do people care so much about the way that they look?

If you feel good about the way that you look, the clothes that you have on, the way your hair is styled, you do feel happy walking down the street. Feeling like you don't have a care in the world and happy being you. Shops make a bomb with the amount of people that buy their clothing, accessories, shoes and makeup. The tools in dressing individuals in the way they want to be perceived by others matters so much in boosting self confidence. I have been watching a programme about Katie Piper and making me realise that people are cruel and make comments all the time about the way people look or what they wear. No wonder so many people have issues with they way they look because of the images of 'the perfect body' that we are surrounded by. People strive to have look like it and get depressed because they can't.

I have so many issues with the way I look. I hate the many images on the internet, the posters dotted around, the woman that are discussed and how much it affects the perception of others. There was a time where I did like the way I looked. It didn't last long at all. I hate how I compare myself to others or wishing I looked differently because I don't like the way I look. I should be happy with the way that I am, but I can't. My hair is not the colour I want it too, I could lose a few pounds, I want to actually have muscles that help carry things, I want to get back in shape, I wish my skin wasn't so temperamental. The comparisons with others always plague me. The paranoia that comes attached to my anxiety disorder is a bane in my life. Another vehicle of enabling comparisons with others and worrying about what they think about me, even if they don't know me or care. I want to be happy with the way that I look. I need to sort out me non-existant self esteem. I can't seem to be able to take compliments. Rather frustrating.

Rio.

2011-04-14T17:31:00.000+01:00

Today I hung out with Rob. Had brunch at The Plan cafe then had a Yoo Moo before going to the cinema. Coincidentally bumped into two other course mates.

The film I watched today was the animation Rio. About a blue macaw called Blu who is forced to mate with another macaw but then is kidnapped. He then tries to save the other macaw and get back to his owner. The animation was pretty good, plot predictable, voices not too bad. Lots of bright colours and it made me want to go on holiday to a hot, sunny place like Rio de Janeiro. Some bits were funny other parts cringey and expected. Overall it was a good way of passing the time but not a film I would make sure I had to watch. So glad I didn't see it in 3D as it would have made no difference and it would have been a waste of money. But I guess it was a good film for young children who would probably pester their parents after watching the film in getting some exotic birds. I guess I prefer proper animations instead of actors trying to work with animated characters like in the film Hop and Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Now to stop my room getting any messier and sort out cards and presents. Don't know whats wrong with me today sooo not with it. Forgot my keys, thank goodness someone was in the house. No idea what day it is. Someone fix my head thankyouplease.

Finished Frankie Boyle's autobiography. It was funny in parts but not that exciting. Couldn't tell if he was being serious or just joking around so no idea whats true and whats not. I wouldn't recommend the book to anyone but I am glad I read it. I am starting to read Billy Connolly's biography which is written by his wife. Hopefully it will be better. The two biographies that I have loved are Groucho Marx and Coco Chanel and I recommend others to check them out.

Sourcecode Vs Limitless.

2011-04-14T00:18:00.000+01:00

I recently watched two films; Sourcecode and Limitless.

Sourcecode was an alright film. I watched it but I got kind of bored. Lots of continuity mistakes. Good film for just reliving 8 minutes of someones life. Although rather predictable ending. Jake Gyllenhaal was quite good. Limitless was good in parts like the falling letters and the flipping numbers. Lots of effects. The zooming one was over used and lasted too long. Lots of mistakes and continuity problems. Bradley Cooper was pretty good. They both have mistakes but I enjoyed Limitless more.

I annoy myself. Just after watching the films I have so much to talk about them but it has been a fair few days or a week. Now my memory has come to zilch. So ANNOYING. Hopefully I will remember more and update soon.

Need more determination and a better memory. I hate having plans and end up not doing what I wanted. I need to get back into drawing and reading. Yesterday was an annoying day I was in so much pain. My joints and muscles had searing pains. Brunch was taken care of thanks to my lovely and I have been laying in bed watching Cougar Town with painkillers all day.

Hopefully today will be better and no pain.

Grouchy.

2011-04-10T21:35:00.000+01:00

I have been having bad sleep for many days now. Feeling shitty today and exhausted and grouchy. Everything just kind of got to me. Haven't been blogging for a while the weather and lack of internet has helped me in keeping busy and not sitting on the net all the time. Although its annoying when streaming or downloading and what not. Need to sort out my driving license and tickets for going home for easter. So tired but CSI NY is good to chill and watch. Been over thinking too much today over everything it has drained me. In a weird mood where I seem to be shutting off any contact with others. I don't know why. Maybe sleep will solve things.

Weekend.

2011-04-04T17:34:00.000+01:00

This weekend has been rather busy yet awesome. Saturday went to town where my friend Lucie tried out some Benefit makeup stuff on my face. Then met up with Rob and Lori for New York Deli, had a bacon cheese bagel burger and a cherry mountain dew with a Yoo Moo for desert. Walked back home and tidied my room. The boyfriend was cute and surprised me with a visit after work. Met up with Lucie and friends for predrinks but didnt go out because I felt rotten so came back home and had some salami on toast whilst laying in bed. Sunday got up and went to mass. Hung out at home and had another Yoo Moo. Came back to the house and watched some TV and made some dinner. Basically a chillaxing yet not good weekend. Pity its over now.

Today early rise to escape evil landlady and her visits. Had a English breakfast but the carrot cake was disgusting. Walked into Uni to check things on net and print things off. Then walked around town looking for smart clothing with the boyfriend. For him a productive shopping trip. Plus Davidoff Adventure smells amazing. The best of all the ones I smelt and resulting in a headache, the tester is in my purse and makes it smell awesome. Now back home filling in application forms and emails CVs. So tired.

I love it when you walk around in a happy daze.

I love it when you walk around with a smile on your face.

I love it when something happens and you just can't help laughing so much till your sides hurts.

I love it when someone makes you smile and laugh.

I need to find and get a job to have money to be able to stay in Cardiff but to be able to move out of this house. To go away from a shitty landlady and a idiot for a housemate.

Argh.

Sucker Punch

2011-04-01T22:09:00.000+01:00

Today I watched Sucker Punch. I have heard lots of bad reviews of this film. My boyfriend has been going on about this film for absolutely ages. Well the plot is such a mess, getting confused what story is true, what's fantasy and whatever else it is. No role stood out to me at all. I kind of was cringing at Carla Gugino who supposedly was playing Polish dance teacher/ psych person or whatever but with a russian accent. It was awful. Certain songs in the soundtrack were pretty awesome. This film just seemed to be a massive mess of girls in barely any clothing, lots of slow motion, cgi, and just a big mess. Dont think I will be watching this film again. It could have been so much better and it was not. I got rather bored and wanted it to end.

On the plus side had an awesome dinner :)

Waste.

2011-03-30T23:37:00.000+01:00

Kerry Katona and The Only Way Is Essex. I cannot believe I watched this waste of space. However I was interested why so many people watched it and continued watching it. I watched it. Thank goodness I did work at the same time because having it on even in the background was excruciatingly painful.

Lets start with Kerry Katona.

I dont really follow soaps of more celebrities. Apparantly her second husband got her addicted to drugs and now she is bankrupt and an agency if using her as a money making machine in exchange they give her a house and some money. Her voice is annoying and her mum is a money grabbing bitch. She seems like a good mum and a person trying to do better and get out of the hole she is in. However, she has a really annoying accent, the bipolar disorder and the anti depressants that send her a bit loopy, or she is generally just crazy and all in all just an annoying thing. Although I do prefer her to Katie Price, who has gone off the rails a bit.

Now The Only Way Is Essex.

I have never watched this horrendous load of complete rubbish and will never watch it again. It is complete and utter rubbish. It is so scripted and so fake, as are most of the people in it's faces and bodies. The accents are so annoying, the conversation is soul distressingly awful, the plot is non existent. People that waste their time on watching such nonsense should have their head examined. My housemate said she watches it because its funny. IT IS NOT FUNNY!!!!! Beyond funny in the dire sense of getting loads of people wearing expensive clothing, wearing tonnes of makeup, perfectly styled hair, and completely awful mishmash of camera shots.

All in all I just wasted two hours on watching complete and utter rubbish that was a waste of time. People who purposely go out of their way to watch these programmes need their heads examined. And need to get out and do more in life than watching rubbish.

ARGH

Now I am watching Mock the Week to save my soul from the shite I just watched. Hugh Dennis is amazing. Frankie Boyle as always takes it too far but is hilarious. Russell Howard used to be funny till he got just plain annoying. My soul kind of died after watching such nonsense. May go read a book or something.

Chalet Girl

2011-03-29T21:56:00.000+01:00

Just watched the film Chalet Girl. It is not a film I would go out and watch normally but I had rather a bad day with issues with my landlady. The film is proper rom com cheesy mush or predictable mess. Basically, a girl takes a job as a chalet girl (Felicity Jones) because he father (Bill Bailey) can't find a job. She falls in love with her bosses son (Ed Westwick) as well as spending her spare time snowboarding. Bill Nighy and Bill Bailey played their parts well and made the film at parts entertaining. The rest was cringey nonsense that was just laughable at how awful the film is. Script was super cringey and cheesy. Obviously, people that like this kind of film will love and enjoy it. Predictable ending and plot, with happy endings for the lead characters. I don't recommend watching the film. The soundtrack was pretty good with Two Door Cinema Club and The Temper Trap making an appearance.

Feeling ill and managed somehow to twist my ankle. It is super painful to walk on. But was awesome watching the film with my buddy Rob. Both of us squirming with cringe.

Enraged.

2011-03-29T14:45:00.001+01:00

I hate you. I fucking hate you so much you stupid lying bint. FUCK OFF and just leave our house be. We are paying you are good money for living in this place so stop fucking telling us how to live in the house. How dare you lock my friend out of her room and then blame her for it. You have angered me so much. I live in a small room with barely any storage space so i put some of my things in the lounge. It does not bug anyone but you. You dont fucking live in the house so just fuck off. You tell us a time you will visit which you lie about and come waaaaay to early. You are such a liar. You constantly visit and complain. Just mind your own business, thats what the stupid deposit is for. I clean the kitchen every time before, after or both when making my meals. I hate you and stop messing things up in my house that I am paying to live in. I have not damaged anything and are paying rent, bills and whatnot on time. SO LEAVE US ALONE!!!! Stop moving our things about and telling what to do, how to store our food, how to hang out our washing. We are not stupid. We just do it differently to you. You are such a idiotic scumbag and I wish after my tenancy is up to never ever come in contact with you ever ever again. If you died in a ball of flame I would not give a damn.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH.

I am not in a thoroughly bad mood and had a little cry after I saw what she did to my house. Need a hug.

The Lincoln Lawyer.

2011-03-28T17:55:00.001+01:00

I watched the film The Lincoln Lawyer recently. A lawyer (Matthew Mcconaughey) conducts business from the back of his Lincoln town car while representing a high-profile client (Ryan Phillippe) in Beverly Hills. The soundtrack was amazing, so funky. I was surprised how good this film was. I don't want to go into too much detail because I recommend people to go see it. Mcconaughey was so good in it. Usually he plays in lots of romantic comedies or what not, but in this film he plays his part so incredibly well. I have always disliked Phillippe and this film or the character he played in this film made me hate him even more. The plot was very good and I loved how everything worked together to help everything finish. I would love to see it again. Lots of different overlapping story lines of different characters that all merge together in one way or another. In comparison to Unknown, The Lincoln Lawyer is much better in keeping you hooked in and was not as predictable. Unknown is a different version or elements of the film Taken, the film as amazing but overall I preferred The Lincoln Lawyer. Michael Connolly wrote a great book. I have previously read some of his books and they were gripping and I couldn't put them down.

A definite must watch, the film. Even may read the book.

Exhaustion feeling still there. Annoying. Too tired to focus on doing work. Hopefully it will get better. Must go make an appointment with the doctor. Sort it out. Still haven't heard from the places I applied to. One lives in hope.

Movie Time.

2011-03-25T22:46:00.001Z

Unknown

The film was amazing. Bascially its about a guy (Liam Neeson) goes into a coma after a car crash and a guy has taken his identity. I don't really want to ruin the rest of the story because it is pretty good. I was kept on my toes and I hid behind my hands at certain parts. Liam Neeson was awesome. The film was so good and so much better than watching The Adjustment Bureau the night before. The film was the perfect length and a good plot that drew you in. It was sad in times but I guess it helped with the storyline.

Last night went to Movie Night hosted by my dear friends Rob and Lori. It was 80's themed, so lots of 80's music and films. Not forgetting the popcorn and awesome goodies made by the lovely couple.

Labyrinth

It is one of my favourite films. David Bowie is amazing. The sets are awesome even if visible how it has been made, shot and filmed. Soundtrack is so good and makes you want to get up and dance. Sir Diddimus and Ambrosius are my favourite characters.

The Lost Boys

The first time I have ever watched this film. So cheesy but thats what you get with the 80's. The end I was not expecting to be so bloody and the weird vampire teeth and eyes just freaked me out. I must admit before going to sleep I did lock my door and window. Not a very exciting film got a bit bored and the ending was so ridiculous. Also not a fan of Kiefer.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

This I was not expecting to be this good and the soundtrack was wicked. Such a simple idea for a film. Ingenious idea of getting away with a day off school pretending to be ill. Awesome film. Just was a bit miffed that watched it very late. I was so tired.

Recently so exhausted everything and anything makes me be so tired or adds to my drained exhaustion. Hope I sleep well enough. Really want to go see The Lincoln Lawyer tomorrow even if it is by myself. Oh well.

The Adjustment Bureau.

2011-03-22T20:49:00.001Z

This evening I watched The Adjustment Bureau. I had no expectations of it at all so I went into the cinema with an open mind about what I would think or expect of it. It starred Matt Damon, Emily Blunt among others in which they want to be together and people try to keep them apart. Basically, Matt Damon runs around like a pillock in ridiculous shoes after the girl Emily Blunt after they randomly meet in a toilet. Time passes where they don't see each other and on the off chance they meet again. Some guys in swanky shoes, suits and hats go around with books with moving lines and circles in their hands, chase after them to stop letting them meet. The film is basically just that Damon and Blunt run away from them because they won't let them be together. I got bored whilst watching this because it just seemed like some kind of joke. AS IF the outcome of the world depended on them not being together. AS IF the ripples of them will cause havoc. ARGH I guess it just annoyed me because it just seemed so unbelievable. Continuity was a problem one problem especially when the guy Harry (Anthony Mackie) gives his hat to Damon but he is walking around a building with the hat in this hand AFTER he had already given it to Damon. FOOOLS! The best performance I found was played by Anthony pity he wasn't in it enough. Overall, I would not sit and watch this film again I now know I could have been doing much more productive things with my time or watching a better film.

I havent been blogging much due to insane busyness and complete exhaustion. Cooking, cleaning, washing, hanging out washing, washing dishes, tidying, doing work, seeing people, shopping for food and many other things. I didnt realise chores could take up so much time in the day. I did enjoy a BBQ on Sunday. I am also loving the sunshine and that it is much more warmer to be outside. I am so close to completion of my work its crazy, just need to tweak bits, print things off and make a few things and I have finished. Argh, have to find a job.

Anyways off to go watch CSI with popcorn as its a Tuesday evening :)

Woooo!!

2011-03-16T18:43:00.000Z

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Passed my Food Hygiene Safety and Catering Exam. Certificate in the post. FUCK YEAH!!! So stoked.

Finally the Dissertation is gone. All finished and handed in. Did it yesterday all printed, emailed and handed it. Thank goodness. Thanks to everyone that helped me in anyway achieve what I thought was never going to happen. I am so overjoyed it is gone. Thanks to my lovely that got me a dissertation completion present of Jackass 3 on dvd. I love it :D
All I have to do now is finish my minor and then that is it. Uni over. Then need to get my skates on and apply everywhere and anywhere possible to get a job so I can stay in Cardiff. Lots to do its crazy. The weather has got better which makes walking into town much more pleasant. Just wish my Ipod was big enough to house all my music instead of a tiny amount which i have to keep changing. My phone is on death row, cannot afford a replacement. Reading tickets go on sale on thursday. Cannot afford it even though I really want to go, but no one to go with. Oh well.
Apologies for not updating as much but been very busy with writing, reading, eating, cooking, washing, tidying and doing anything and everything to get my work in. So close to finishing and time to rest. Must go and make the audience seating and conical flasks so I can do them up in CAD tomorrow to print off as well. Then only visuals to finish and all is done.
WOOOOOOO.

Beyond Stressed.

2011-03-12T19:22:00.000Z

Having a mini break from working on my dissertation. My head is complete mush. I have been reading and rereading my work to see what to cut out, what to edit and what to add to get my essay to a decent mark. So much pressure and stress in trying to get it to a presentable standard. The dissertation tutors contradict one another, both are useless, both don't really know whats going on. Its infuriating and very annoying. You would expect the Uni to have everything sorted so it gave the best education to its students. But no. Uni of Glamorgan is a shitty uni. Unorganised pile of mess.

Panic!!!! AAAAAHH!!!!

I over think everything. I am just stressing and worrying over the fact I don't know how to make it better. I am so tired and ill all I want to do after having some food is to just go to sleep and now wake up for a week. Need to get better as have another deadline to focus on after I hand in my dissertation. Hopefully it will be much easier to finish and sort out. Then all work is over on the 22nd. I cannot wait for it to end and I can focus on finding a job, a house and sorting out everything else in my life that is a complete mess.

Watched the rugby today Italy won against France in the last few minutes with 1 point between them. Wales won against Ireland with 6 points between them. Lowri and her boyfriend are at the stadium in Cardiff. Town is most likely going to be manic. Kinda glad that I am going out because town would be lame because I am ill. Annoyed that I cannot go out because of deadlines because of friends birthdays. My degree is much more important. Even if not that fun.

Beyond stressed right now.

P.S. I miss you. <3

Burning.

2011-03-11T23:27:00.000Z

Ill. Stressed. Panic. Exhausted.

Thats me alright. I have managed to get laryngitis and tracheitis again. So I cant speak. I am so tired and exhausted. No time to sleep because I have to save my degree with sorting out the retched dissertation. Have not been up to much except trying to get rid of my illnesses, being ill and doing work. By throat feels like its burning, so sore. It hurts to breathe.

Argh.

Need to get better. Need to finish this dissertation by sunday evening to print and bind monday and hand in tuesday. Then finish minor project by the tuesday after next. Then thats the end of my degree. Scary.

Gonna get back on doing work.

Progress?

2011-03-08T12:26:00.001Z

I am ill. I have to make an appointment to go see a doctor. I hate doctors. I am so beyond exhausted I have no real concept whats going on. So much housework to do. I have so much work to hand in for looming deadlines. Still having hatred of self days. ARGH. I have no faith in Uni. The dissertation tutors are useless you think they would actually put up the information that you need, that they would actually read your dissertation before meeting them. I have almost finished my visuals for my minor project, just need to finish the model and redo the detail of my conical flask and then its done. My heart is constantly strained with panic and worry about the looming deadlines and the workload. I cannot get into a big panic because it will be counter productive. Lack of decent sleep is frustrating. As is waking up early even more exhausted than before I went to sleep. I think my body is conking out.

One plus note hopefully going to see Rango today. Last film I watched was Tangled and that film was amazing. I loved it and laughed loads. I am a child at heart and love animations. Good escape from the stress and worries hopefully. If only for a little while. Also CSI is on tonight. YAY.

Appearance.

2011-03-05T23:57:00.003Z

I hate having basically no self esteem. Small things can tip me into hatred of myself. I hate it when that happens. It makes me question everything even more than I usually do. I seem to have days where I hate the way I look. I hate how the media portrays how the perfect girl should look like. Everyone is under so much pressure in feeling that they wont be accepted because of the way they look. I just get in a low rut when thinking I am not good enough and won't be good enough. I hate how I just can't see the good points. Or if I do they are just over shadowed by the bad thoughts and questioning myself about everything I do. I hate comparing myself to others. I hate thinking about what other people are thinking. ARGH. It annoys me so much. I hate to focus on my weaknesses instead of my strengths. I hate having bad days where I hate myself.

ARGH.

Dissertation.

2011-03-02T20:07:00.000Z

Considering that today is Wednesday I am a bit behind in my blogging but I have been rather busy and preoccupied.

Sunday was rather a busy day which normally does not occur. Got up went to mass met up with Lori and Rob for brunch. Then walked around shops with Lori to kill time before going to see Tangled at the cinema. The film is amazing. I laughed lots. It was very good and in my opinion better than The Kings Speech. After the cinema went to TK Maxx and checked out all the random shocking things that had been reduced. Then met with Nathan and had my infamous linguine carbonara.

Monday and Tuesday were a blur of doing work, playing xbox, cooking, dancing, drinking, and other crazy things. Wednesday has been good in the fact I bought needed things in the big Sainsburies off Newport Road. Came back home and had some dinner before sitting down and cutting down the dreaded dissertation. I am going over this horrid thing over and over and over again, slowly cutting things out. Its taking so long. I dont know what to cut out and what to keep. I cant remember how to do this dissertation. ARGH.

Might de-stress myself with dancing tonight. Almost finished the odd bits for the minor and need to get on top of the diss. Will tackle it all tomorrow and friday. Need to get this work far away and apply for lots of jobs.

Need to stay calm and not worry and panic.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

The Government.

2011-02-26T22:07:00.000Z

Looking at my bank account today has made me feel so sick. I need to cut back on everything. I hate how the government is cutting down jobs in order to save money. This will only add to the increasing unemployment numbers. Cutting down on people having jobs will make them dependant on the dole and sit around at home because finding a job makes it more difficult. I hate how food is so much more expensive. How it seems that I am going through so much money eating. Need to cut down on eating. Having to eat shittier food thats cheaper and not as healthy is bad. Makes people more likely to become ill if they are not having a healthy diet because food is getting more difficult to purchase. More people being ill and having to go to the doctors but what they are cutting jobs in the NHS. I hate how they think by making everything more expensive and putting up taxes and making new ones will help the economy. It is just making the poor public pay for mistakes banks have made and for silly politicians spending our money for silly pathetic things. They have to be selfish and think that they need silly things and put it on expenses.

I hate how we have to pay for their mistakes. Why don't big bank bosses take a pay cut not a pay rise. I hate how it is so difficult to find a job. I hate the amount of cvs I have handed out, emailed and application forms I have filled in but to no avail. I have taken a course in order to help me get a job of some kind. Its a costly way of going about it but hopefully it will give me a better chance of getting a job. This will then let me save up the money and be able to live here in Cardiff. I hate how some people complain how bad and difficult their life is, when they have no idea how horrendous and hard life can be. They complain and say that they cant afford their holiday or going to some gigs. I hate how they think how hard it is for them when they have not ever learnt about the value of money, how making food, clothes etc last long time. Give things to charity and not chuck it in the bin.

Life is such a massive mountain to climb. I am trying my best in thinking about life optimistically. But it is difficult battling horrid thoughts that you are better off dead. That sleeping is so incredibly difficult. Life is better than it was. I have been through so many things I can understand others who have suffered the same. I just hate how people complain about how shitty their life when it is nothing big. Having a bit of a moan in this blog, apologies. Tomorrow hopefully will be better as going to mass then having lunch with a friend then going to see Tangled. Then in the evening some carbonara and some films.

True Grit Vs The Kings Speech

2011-02-26T00:08:00.000Z

The past few days thanks to my Cineworld card I have watched some films. True Grit and The Kings Speech to name but a few. When I first saw adverts for True Grit it looked pretty awesome. It did not let me down. It made me laugh, it made me hide behind someones shoulder, it made me gasp. There were sad moments, funny moments, happy moments. I am not a fan of Matt Damon but he was rather good. Jeff Bridges and Hailee Steinfeld were astounding. The banter and comical moments were awesome. There are gruesome moments as well. There is a perfect balance of action, comedy and beautiful scenery. The portrayal of Mattie Ross was impeccable. Her character was so good.

The Kings Speech. I think I was expecting too much because of the many people saying how spectacular it was the the awards it got. Alexandre Desplat's music was stunning and well deserved the award. The acting by Colin Firth, Helena Bonham Carter and Geoffrey Rush was amazing. I found the film overall rather dull and wishing it would hurry up and finish. The sets were pretty good and the portrayal of the characters was convincing. The hype around it and the many awards it received made it seem bigger than I felt it was. I am glad I watched a film in which it was rather packed and everyone wanted to see how good it was. The humour saved it from being completely boring.

Overall, both films are remarkable in their own rite. I would rather see True Grit again and be able to watch it many times without being bored. The Kings Speech is good for occasional watching or listening or having on in the background when busy doing other things. Not a film I could be head over heels in thinking how stupendous it is when I think True Grit deserves more.

Landan.

2011-02-22T21:58:00.000Z

Been so busy went to Romsey and London at the weekend for an uncles 50th birthday party. Was good seeing family, being fed and trying lots of amazingly luscious wine. Got no sleep thought thanks to dads constant horrendous snoring. Was so bad my music couldnt mask it and then the ipod ran out of juice. I stayed at my aunties in Romsey because it was cheaper to travel there than directly to London. They have recently redone their bathroom and its SUPER LUSH. The toilet you close slightly and leave it to close by itself. The shower is a walk in shower and its sooooo gooooood. The one I have here is so shit in comparison. Although good weekend got back and managed to somehow get ill. Yesterday was good. Had lunch at New York Deli then went home and hung out chilling. I was and am soooooo tired. Need a proper nights sleep.
I still went to City Hall today and study and have my exam for Level 2 Food Safety and Catering. It wasnt too bad but it was so cold in there so it didnt help me being ill already. The exam was alright and hopefully I passed. We shall see.
Feeling really lethargic. Need to find out why. Also why I am so easily out of breath just going up stairs and im puffed out. I don't understand. My skin has gone down hill too. :(
Also found out my deadlines are much sooner. Need to get my skates on with work. But I am so tired and ill.
Meh.

Valentines Day.

2011-02-16T17:08:00.000Z

My Valentines Day was awesome :) I had an amazing time.

Gorgeous brunch at Madame Fromage with the Mighty Meaty and salad. Epic as always. Then went to the cinema to watch the film "Paul" with Simon Pegg and Nick Frost with some carrot cake from New York Deli as a snack. Then back to home for a nap before ordering some Indian. I couldnt sleep so had a chat with Lowri then ordered some Indian and went to collect it. The food was awesome and watched Justin Lee Collins interviewing Steven Seagal. By this time it was late and then went to sleep after watching some more TV before sleep. Yesterday went to town and had a Bacon Cheese Bagel Burger for brunch from New York Deli. Then watched Rushmore and Ice Age at mine. Had pizza for dinner which was rather scrummy whilst watching Big Gypsy Weddings. Man the girls on there are so annoying and get such ridiculous dresses and what not. They are still children! Hung out with Lowri and watched some of the Brit Awards. Then went to sleep about midnight. So tired and had to get up early to go to a masterclass with Dominic Tolfs. Saw my mental health advisor and came back home after. My leg and foot are in pain. I think its a trapped nerve. Very annoying and painful.

Busy few days. Need to tidy my room and do some work. Also need to pack for friday. Lots to do. Need to keep this happy mood rolling.

?

2011-02-12T20:52:00.000Z

Sometimes I wonder what is the point.

You try so hard. You put effort into making it amazing, beautiful and fun. It just backfires in your face. You over think and worry. You play the situation in your head over and over again. You wonder if you have done something wrong to be treated that way. You wonder if it is your fault. You blame yourself. But is it your fault? Why do you try so hard? You ask others for what they think about it. You hope that will shed some light of what you should do. But you are still clueless. You will carry on worrying. You will carry on hoping that it will work out. You will carry on expecting the worse.

Because it always does in the end.

Oh what to do...

Gig.

2011-02-12T20:36:00.000Z

The gig was awesome. Framing Hanley was emo and the songs sounded the same, the lead singer had a good voice. Good Charlotte was good but they talked too much in the middle of songs. However, Four Year Strong were fucking amazingly epic. They were too good. I was dancing by myself but I didn't care. Annoyed that I missed The Wonder Years but I'm not that fussed. Also first time I went to Propaganda in the evening, would have been better if I was drunk as drinks were rather expensive but some good songs played even for a club with only two levels. The decor was a bit lame but alright, lots of places to sit which was good.

Thursday was immensely busy. Got up, met friends at a cafe and got a free specially made personal pizza from Dominos and sauce from them, went to see my counsellor at uni, printed off forms, went to the advice shop to sort out my degree, wrote a letter and printed it off, walked home, made dinner and washed dishes, Lucie arrived and got ready to go the the gig, after amazing gig went to Propaganda and came home about 3am friday morning. My legs were dying from standing up for so long at the gig.

Friday got up and met my friend, Abi in town then got bits and bobs for breakfast, had brunch at mine then went with her to her house viewings, got back home about half 2 and walked to uni to hand in a letter. Then went into town with Abi and bought some sweets, spoke to some friends and visited another friend who was being filmed for S4/C in St Davids 2. Then walked from town to Roath park to see the flat. It was still being fixed up but it would look amazing all done up. We talked to a random tenant and he was super weird and said there was a rat and heating was awful and some nonsense. Then walked and half ran back so Abi could make her train back home. Went home and cooked risotto. My legs felt like they were going to fall off and were in complete agony. Had risotto and watched tv.

Today was not very productive. Mood was good till it was hit with a sledgehammer. Need to get back into roller derby and get some sort of exercise.

Film Camera.

2011-02-09T18:35:00.002Z

R.I.P. Film Camera. You served me well and made awesome pictures. You made me appreciate photography, lighting and capturing the moment. I loved taking photos and creating the perfectly balanced composition. I was rather sad at the loss. Especially finding out it would cost about £80 to fix it and much cheaper to buy a second hand one.

Jessops have been a bunch of retards. Yesterday got photos printed and asked for them to be put on a CD aswell. So I went in today to ask for them just to give me my photos on CD. Told me to come back in half and hour, collected them and went to Camera World in the arcade to save my camera which could not be saved. Will sell it on ebay and hope some one wants to save it or use it for parts. Then went back home and checked my CD and it only had half the photos on one CD. So went back to Jessops and complained and they put the rest of my photos on CD and took off a tenner off my receipt. So instead of paying £18 for two films being printed and put on CD with two free films. I only paid £8 for two films being printed with two discs and two free films.

Annoyingly a waste of a day. Had so much to do and all I have done is to solve the photo and camera problem. Need to tidy room and sort it out. Need to do work. My head hurts so much it may implode. I am so beyond tired its ridiculous. Uni tomorrow is going to be a killer. Won't get any sympathy from tutors that been suffering with migraines and really bad headaches. Its so bad all i seem to do is take drugs sit in a dark room on my bed not being able to do work. Its so frustrating.

On a good note photos are awesome and going to see Good Charlotte, Four Year Strong, The Wonder Years and Framing Hanley. Hopefully it will be amazing and go out afterwards.

Randomly went out this night with housemate, on a spur of a moment thing. Was quite a goodnight, played babysitter but didnt get that drunk. Met new people and enjoyed myself.

Things.

2011-02-08T19:29:00.000Z

Depression fucking sucks. I hate it. So much.

Battling thoughts of dying or wanting to die is tiresome. I hate having them. They prevent me from focusing on the good because the are overshadowing of the horrid.

I have been plagued with migraines and headaches. I hate them. I hate taking drugs. I hate that the drugs don't work. I hate being tired and drained. I hate the feeling of feeling unfit. I hate the fact that i hate my course, when I used to love it.

I need to sort my life out. I need to sort out my degree. I need to find a job. I need to stay happy and optimistic. I need to carry on not caring about what other people think. I need to stop comparing myself with others. I need to do a massive sorting and clear out of my things. I need to get in shape. I need to love drawing again.

I love it when the sun shines. I love it when my food tastes amazing. I love hanging out with friends. I love going to gigs. I love looking around whilst travelling by car, bus or train. I love mini adventures. I love laughing so much till I cry. I love going to the cinema. I love trying new things.

Crushed.

2011-02-04T23:59:00.002Z

Red wine, pizza, Twilight and New Moon films. (So much for my aim to lose 3lbs.) Thats the rest of my night after hanging out in the pub watching the Wales V England 6 Nations Rugby. Wales took a beating. Annoying outcome. I should support England but I don't. The pubs were packed because of lateness. The TV in my room is dead. SO annoyed. Need to replace it so I can watch films in my room or background noise.

Today has been a rather shit sad day. Got all annoyed at myself and hating myself and thinking how crap I am. I have literally no self esteem whatsoever. I tried my hardest to do work. Got a stupid migraine. Went shopping for food. I have about at least 4 meals. Should hopefully last me a few days. Had a little cry. It helped ease the pressure and pain of over thinking and crushing thoughts. Trying to keep the happiness and optimism is such a struggle. ARGH.

Dear You,
Thank you for being there for me. For staying and listening. For noticing something was wrong. I find it difficult explaining what is wrong to you because I don't want you to think less of me. I constantly over analyse myself and over think all my actions. I do try and tell you when things are wrong. I try and be happy. You make me happy. You cheer me up when I am down. You have this knack of cheering me up from the depths of my sadness. You tease me but I know you are just joking. You mean a lot to me. I hope you know that.
From Me.

The Fighter.

2011-02-03T21:57:00.000Z

Yesterday watched the film The Fighter. Initially was supposed to go watch The Social Network but Cineworld website lied. The film was pretty good. Predictable ending. Christian Bale was AMAZING. The girl punch up was awesome. Made me miss Roller Derby more. The theatre was packed. Came home after and got ready to go out. Pre-drank at a friends house and ended up at Metros. Made a Polish friend which was awesome to speak Polish to. I was a state. It was a blur. Must remember not too drink too much.

Today was drunk till about 5pm. Being drunk at uni talking to tutors and counsellor was weird. Like things weren't real and I lived in a bubble. Today my tutor told me I won't be able to get my degree. I do work everyday. After my productive week of doing a fair bit of work and models to then turn up feeling fairly happy show my work and they tear it to pieces. Saying what else I have to do, that I should do more. I feel completely deflated. After feeling like shit and researching on the computer my tutor comes up to me and says You can still get a degree even if you cant do all your work. It wont be Honours but just a BA. They have no faith in me. It makes me doubt myself. But it makes me think they are talking sense because I am finding it very difficult to do the course. I shall look into things.

So tired. Just watching new episode of CSI. Its so freakishly weird. I may have nightmares tonight. ARGH!

Happy.

2011-02-01T17:25:00.001Z

Is it weird to be happy? Being happy is a rare thing for me. However, recently things have picked up. Probably because I have stopped caring too much about things that don't really deserve my attention. I am doing more that makes me happy and doing work. The workload maybe pitiful for others but for me its a stepping stone. I just wish my tutors would see that as well. Having a daily walk somewhere is good. Need to try and eat healthily, cut down on my meals to keep costs down and drink lots of water. I have been hanging out with friends who cheer me up when I am down, who are there for me whenever I need them, people who actually notice when something is not right or when I am unhappy. I am so glad I have them around me.

My housemate mentioned I should start writing a recipe a day. To make into a book. I love cooking and people love my food. Its just difficult to write a recipe when you just make it up as you go along and it tastes amazing. I'll see how I can overcome this slight glitch. Need to find something to try and make money somehow. Finding a job or hearing back from the places I have applied is annoying. I don't hear from places and then they open. Really need a job or any source of income so I can stay in Cardiff. There is no way I am going back home.

Need to start letting things go and trying not to let things build up and annoy me. In the long run it just eats at me. Makes me feel worse and in turn it can change any day into me hating it. Getting stressed out because I am having to think about so much in the future. I wish people would give me a job so I can have money to live and stay in Cardiff. If I went home it would probably kill me.

Need to forget about these miserable things and think about what scrummy food I am going to cook tonight and watch CSI. Xbox has been taken back :( sad times. PS1 will have to be revived. Need to start learning to play my Ukelele. I hate my work. Need to get rid of this degree, just a pass will do for me. Gone past the point of caring now. Finding a job is gonna be beyond difficult. Right now its so hard to find anything. Part time stuff during the day is what I need now to run alongside the degree. After wards anything full time.

"Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it." - Groucho Marx

Sunday.

2011-01-30T17:33:00.000Z

Today has been a rather good Sunday. The most Sunday looking Sunday that I have had in a while. It was rather cold but very sunny. I went to mass and bought some scales and M&S dine in for two for £10 after. Had some scrummy food whilst watching The Fifth Element. Then popped to investigate the new Sainsbury's on Woodville Road. Bought a few bits then walked home. Walking is good. Had the desert which was luscious. Played a bit on the Xbox. So all in all a happy relaxing day. Must crack on now with some Dissertation work as Sundays are spent working on halving my vast amount of words and creating some sort of sense from them.

Yesterday was not too bad. In the evening went to a friends 21st birthday. Was fun with food, alcohol and games. Got back about 2 fell asleep after 3. Laughter is awesome in cheering oneself up. Need to keep on track with workload. Also need to find a fellow mac user that doesn't mind me borrowing their graphics tablet because I cannot for the life of me find the pen to my graphics tablet. Immensely annoying.

Sleep.

2011-01-28T18:23:00.000Z

I need good quality sleep. I have not slept properly in such a very long time. I feel constantly drained and exhausted. I need to get rid of the drawing block that is preventing me from doing enough work. I am just so tired. I would love to stay in bed all day but I force myself to get up to actually do something in the day.

Things have been looking up in life. I have been smiling a bit more and actually being happy. Need to keep thinking positively, not over thinking too much, trying to keep busy. The past week been going out occasionally, cooking lots of awesome food, playing the Xbox, doing some work and going to Uni. Stuffed peppers with cous cous, goats cheese and salad is just amazing. Need to make plans and try to stick to them.

Today I dyed my friends hair. It looks pretty awesome :) in time for her birthday party tomorrow. Bought some bits and bobs and just washed up the mountain of dirty dishes that had piled up. Kitchen looks cleaner which is good. In a cleaning mood as things have got in a bit of a state and the stupid landlord will be arriving on the 1st to check the house.

Hope things get better and not back fire and get worse.

Free Internet.

2011-01-24T11:14:00.000Z

I do love how we get free internet by using the unprotected one of a person living nearby. However what is unbelievably annoying is that I cannot fix it when it stops working. I am rather glad I purchased a dongle because I can still use some sort of internet to check mail and what not. Off in a bit to meet up with some friends for 'coffee'. I am so drained. My sleep was awful, my head just would not switch off. Loving Frankie Boyle's book even more. Love reading it before bed. Reading is difficult because my head cant just concentrate on one thing.

I hope today will be a good day. Better than yesterday. More work productive instead of killing evil people on Xbox.

Better.

2011-01-22T23:43:00.000Z

Looking back on my old post I have actually had a good day. Its the evening now and I've watched a film with my housemate Lowri whilst having an awesome dinner and desert which was so yummy and tasty I was beyond stuffed. It was good to sit, talk, and just have a break from the shittiness. We drove to Tesco and got some decent wine and now are watching Billy Connolly whilst my hair is slowly becoming better after previously being dyed. Drinking our wine and laughing our heads off.

Earlier today I was fed by my dear friend and was good catching up. Hanging out was awesome. Playing and winning on Modern Warfare 2 and Need for Speed: Carbon. In a way today has been productive in achieving happiness. I am just trying to be happy. Try to get rid of the bad thoughts and wanting to die.

Tomorrow I am going to mass and aim to do work.

My hair looks even better and I am happy with it finally.

Lost.

2011-01-22T18:35:00.000Z

Today I woke up feeling shit. It had taken me ages to try and get to sleep. I watched iplayer stuff and started reading Frankie Boyle's My Shit Life So Far. Its rather funny and good. I thought my saturday I could spend laying in bed and wishing the ground would swallow me up and I would melt in the earth's core. But I got a text from a visiting friend saying dropping in for lunch. I had completely forgotten about it and had cheered up and gave something to look forward to to my day. Had a luscious meal at Ruby Tuesdays with steak and strawberry lemonade. Then came back home and played on the Xbox. Then I have been slowly procrastinating. I have managed to paint my nails. HAHAHA. Need to do my dissertation. Been asked to go out tonight. I don't if I want to or not.

I feel weird. I feel depressed, sad and the misery is trying to eat at me for me to be miserable. But I am happy with my lovely free meal and playing on the Xbox and winning. But I feeling oddly worried because some things are left unanswered and the unknown scares be because I am afraid of being hurt. I can't deal with it. My self esteem is shot to pieces. I have no idea how to rectify it.

Argh I feel so lost.

Music.

2011-01-19T19:49:00.001Z

Music is my salvation. It helps me when to pick up my mood when I am feeling low, it allows me to dance crazily and sing on the top of my voice. Music helps so much. I love finding new bands and songs. I have fallen in love with so many. My music is steadily growing which is good because I can always find something to listen to, to suit my mood.

Today got my haircut. Much needed after not having it cut since september. Need a blonde top up though, roots are starting to show. Was deliberating on dyeing it either blue or red but I will stick with the blonde for the time being. Plus very high maintenance trying to keep the colour.

My mood has been up and down. Sometimes I would be happy and cheery other times my mood would be shit and I would feel super low. Trying to get out of the low times is difficult. Finally did have a cry out from all the built up emotions. Was a good release but I always feel stupid after. But had to relieve the tension.

My workload is insane but I am proud of myself and how much I have done this week in comparison how I have been recently. However, I have done some work but I could have done more work if my head would let me instead of wanting to procrastinate whenever it could.

I hate paranoia. I hate how much it plays with everything you think about. Right now I am in a DGAF mood. Need to get degree done, need to find ways of being happy, I've realised you can't really depend on certain people, get business plans in motion and open university stuff sorted. I have to find a job. Hopefully will hear back from some places. Doubt it immensely.

Argh so much to do. Need to at least have started my sketch model for tomorrow, eat, shower, predrink at a friends before heading to Metros. Then dance the night away and not die too much in Uni tomorrow.

Optimism is key. Stay away from people who treat you like shit and not care about the people who do. Focus on Uni work and being happy.

Music save me from misery. That is why I am blasting you full blast in my room.

Ladder.

2011-01-16T18:45:00.000Z

Everyday something happens.

Today is just another one of those days. My lovely housemate managed to get locked out of her room. Got many texts and missed calls whilst I was at mass asking for help. In the meantime she had managed to get my other housemate to jump our fence and borrow next door neighbours ladder and try and get in through her partially open window after the attempts of bashing through the door failed. I return and try again to get through the window but to no success. My housemate had been trying to get hold of out dick of a landlord, when she finally got a hold of her, the landlord said in a smug way she couldn't help as she was on her way to swansea. So my poor housemates accident cost her £60 after having to ring for a locksmith that managed to open the door with no more than two minutes.

Stressful times.

I then played on the Xbox, had dinner and washed up the mountain of dirty dishes and mugs. Now I have been researching and sorting my interior and exterior sets for my Major Project. I have hit boredom and lack of interest in it now. Managed to paint my nails and play with matches and my candle. No, I'm not a pyromaniac just bored.

My head is really bad recently. Medication takes a slight edge of it but not enough.

Argh back to the workload.

Psychic.

2011-01-15T23:58:00.002Z

Today I got a text from one of my good friends that I have not spoken or seen in rather a long while. She told me she had been to see a psychic today. She texted me saying:

"I went to see a psychic today who was really lovely and knew so much stuff about me it was amazing. I know this is kinda crazy but I thought I should tell you she gets messages from spirits and said that someone was trying to give a message to someone called Marta living in Wales. She said someone wanted you to stop grieving and being sad and that they just want you to be happy and know that they are ok. I know this is weird but I thought I should pass it on."

I felt oddly happy when I read the text. With a hint of relief. Yet also confused. I feel rather weirded out by the situation as I don't really believe in psychics.

Odd.

Why?

2011-01-15T01:51:00.000Z

Why do I do this to myself?
Why does my head want to relive misery and sad or awful memories?
Why do I torture myself with pain and sadness?
Why do I focus more on the negative than the positive?

I hate how the way my head doesn't work properly.
I hate how everything seems a massive problem.
I hate the overanalysis and overthinking.
I hate comparing myself with others.

I want to be better.
I want to be happy.
I want to enjoy life.
I want the sadness to leave.

Panie Boże co mam zrobić z moim życiem?
Jak mogę lepiej być?

Failure.

2011-01-14T18:10:00.000Z

I feel like such a failure. My tutors told me I failed my minor project. They gave me a chance to let me pass because of my circumstances. I have to add/finish my model. Redo my detail of my conical flasks and my visuals because they were shit. I am just so annoyed because of the amount of effort I put into it and fretted over getting it in. My self-esteem is already non-existant and this does not help me feel better about finishing my degree. I was so close to bursting into tears when they told me. I have yet to cry and the sadness, annoyance, frustration and other tiny factors are just building up inside me. Right now I should be doing work but feel so rotten all I am doing is tidying my room. I cant believe it can get so messy so fast. Life is just one big mess. Finally have internet back after I bought a dongle. But I am quite glad I did anyway because then when i visit family with no wifi I can use it there. Or if the net goes down again.

I feel oddly lost. Like I am just wandering through life and not really knowing whats going on. Nothing really in my control. I despise the way my head over thinks and over analyses everything. I hate how one small thing can bring my mood down horrendously. I hate how I cannot explain how I feel. I wish people could see inside my head, see what a mess everything is. Life is never simple or easy. I just wish it would cut me some slack. I just want to be happy. Is there anything wrong in striving for happiness. I've had to deal with so much and feel like shit. I can't even look forward to things that would make me happy because of how my mind would spin things out of control, make me think about what others would think or what consequences would follow. I feel like I am pushing people away.

I am such a mess.

:'(

Uni Work.

2011-01-12T20:38:00.000Z

I have really lost all hope, motivation and any determination to finish my work for Uni. I need to finish the work to pass the degree. My head is a garbled pile of mess. Nothing is really that clear. I just go through life with no idea what to do. I just do day to day stuff. No real future plans. Only one. Thats is to be happy. I never realised how difficult that would be when it feels like the whole world is against you or that nothing goes right. I hate how everything is a constant battle. I want to be more optimistic but that never works as then my day is filled with things going wrong.

I want to love what I do again. I want to be able to just draw anything and everything instead of battling inside my head to just get pencil down on paper. I never thought my head would associate something I was really good at and dependant on for my career to prevent me from drawing. I didn't realise how I used to enjoy it and be able to see that I was good at it. Now I barely draw. It annoys me so much that I cannot do it. Even though I want to.

I have to do a storyboard and a few sketch models for tomorrows lesson. I am so dreading it. Not to mention I have to see my counsellor too. Tomorrow I am going to be even more of a mess than I already am. I have nothing to look forward to either. No special event or anything that I want to look forward to. Nothing planned to think I have to finish my work by then so I can have fun. I have a massive feeling of dread for Uni. When I don't think about it and plod through life doing normal tasks which wear me out anyway its the strain on trying to do something for myself that makes me not want to do it. Like my head is battling anything to do with me.

Argh I annoy myself. Why do I have to be broken? Why can't I function properly? Why can't I just enjoy life? Depression is a bitch.

I wish I could leave this blog post on a plus note, but I have nothing. Meh.

Unloved?

2011-01-09T21:53:00.002Z

I hate how the mind can over think and over analyse everything and anything that happens, hasn't happened or what could happen. I hate how it is constantly whirring away. I hate how it just cannot switch off and rest like normal people. My head is being cruel and mean. It is making me feel like I am worthless and that no one wants to know me. Its planting silly sad thoughts of being unloved and unwanted. I need to think less about what others think and think more for myself and stay being me. Not to change and pretend to be someone I am not to please others. I just feel so alone. As if I am not good enough. I want to be wanted. Everyone does. I have this horrible dread that I am not worth being known. I want to feel loved. I want to be feel missed. I am, I think.

Its probably just my head playing paranoia and sad games with me. Making me feel rotten in the process.

I haven't blogged much. Been rather preoccupied. Wednesday evening was a success in dancing away the blues. Rather drunk but was fun. Dancing and singing away to some awesome tunes. Taxi drive back home was funny. The Taxi man was a bit insane and a friend and I kept falling out of our seats. Stayed over at a friends house instead of coming back home because I don't think I would have got back home if i tried, in my state. Stayed with 4 people in a double bed - like sardines. Then Thursday morning walked home has a shower then went to Uni to see my counsellor. I need to stop wasting energy on people that don't care about me and don't give a shit. Came back and had some food whilst chilling by the TV. Then went to a party at my best friends. Was fun playing games, having party food and games and fun. Was awesome. Was completely shattered and have dead though. Managed to stay awake till about 2am then crashed on my friends sofa bed. Got up about 11 on Friday and trekked through town back home. Tidied, ate and watched films and TV. Hung out with Lowri. Friend came back drunk. Was a funny times :) Then slept in on the saturday, well for me till about 9am. Went into town about 2pm and had lunch at Madame Fromage. The Mighty Meaty is AMAZING!!! The onion chutney and salad were AWESOME. Had a lemonade that actually had lemon and not too much sugar. Went back home after and watched Shaun of the Dead and played some XBOX. That was a few days where time escaped me.

I need to get into work mode and get my act into gear and finished this retched degree. I love making films and building sets just not the actual course. Working on set and being hands on and hanging out with people is just much more fun and exciting. My head just thinks back to how badly it got to me last year and does not want me to carry on. I have so much work to do its insane. Ok not as much as last year and the third years this year, but for me its insane. ARGH!!! I annoy myself so much because I don't want to be like this. I want to be better and be able to do my work instead of battling so much to actually get it done. One hopes I will get enough done for Thursday. Today was rather productive procrastination with cleaning, tidying, sewing, sorting, clearing, playing xbox and watching films. Need to sleep so bad.

I need to find a job and money. My money situation is dire. I will be spending loads of time at home staying in and not doing anything. Not buying any food because there is no money for it or for bills. My loan will hopefully go in but it will only be eaten by my overdraft and I will still be in the red. It has really taken a lot out of me with worrying constantly about what I need to do to get money. I am going through all my things and finding anything and sell it on ebay. If it doesn't sell ill just get rid of it to charity shops in hope to help others and charities.

Being back in Cardiff has been good. It has been fun hanging out with friends. Fun trying to forget all the shitty things I have to deal with or think about. Things need to get better. I cannot be dealing with anymore heartache, worry and sadness. I barely function because I barely sleep and eat. I have been smiling more and laughing more. Just need to sort myself out.

This year has started off shitty but I only hope it can get better.

Rock Bottom.

2011-01-05T16:44:00.000Z

Nothing can cheer me up.
I've hit rock bottom.
My head is a complete mess.
I cannot focus on one thing.
I feel so anxious and nervous.
Nothing is going well and everything is going badly.
:'(

Tuesday...I think.

2011-01-04T14:00:00.001Z

I have no concept of time.

My head cannot seem to focus.

There is so much swimming in my head nothing really makes any sense.

I am so tired of being exhausted all the time. Its normal now and I have to cope but it's getting annoying.

The TV in my room is dying. Cuts off part of the screen of what you are watching and flashes with missing colours of red blue and green. Its on its last legs.

My digital camera is dead and my phone is dying. It just doesn't want to tell me when I get texts or when people ring me. Its rather annoying.

Did a proper clear out of most of my stuff so room looks better. Although prone to getting messy quickly.

Really want a dog.

So much work to do its insane. Hopefully cracking on with dissertation today. Cutting down on words and rejigging things.

My mood is really low. Want to curl up and cry.

Yesterday was in a cafe and Eva Cassidy came on. Pulled on my heart strings.

Trying to be optimistic and happy is so incredibly difficult. Especially when one is by oneself.

I have too much time to think many things that end up not making any sense.

I annoy myself. Everything is so frustrating.

Meh..

Looked at bank statements and loan letter. Things are dire, getting less than expected. Even when my loan goes in I will still be in my overdraft. Need to go back to one meal a day and staying at home all the time. Looks like no social life and no more spending.
I really need a job its insane. I hate it that I am applying to lots of places but not even getting a reply. Its rather soul destroying.

FML.

Happy New Year.

2011-01-01T19:43:00.000Z

It is now 2011.

A new start on a life of happiness and fighting depression.

Last night had good and bad parts with some mess. Feeling rough now. Been eating constantly since I got back to my house after coming back from Lucie's. I feel dead. Cannot even do anything except mong out on the sofa watching films. Then shower and sleep ready for mass tomorrow.

Boxing Day.

2010-12-26T18:17:00.001Z

Why on earth do they call it Boxing Day. I didn't wrap or unwrap or make any boxes today. I went to mass, read some of Watchmen, had our English Christmas Dinner, had a nap and now drinking some pear cider. No boxes involved.

Today has been thoroughly miserable. Had an awful short sleep. Nothing that happy or exciting happened. My mood has been shit and just gets worse. Being constantly nagged and shouted at. My siblings are really bugging me. They don't really listen. They think they know better. Most of them don't even want to help. I am completely and utterly exhausted. I haven't properly relaxed or laughed out my stress. It just builds and builds.

I want to be happy and enjoy my holiday. But all I want is to get back to Cardiff. I have my own space there. I hate feeling miserable and not spending time with the family. The only time I felt at least a tiny bit happy was when I drove myself to get some alcohol for my dad for food. I feel rotten for not wanting to hang out with my family. But I feel trapped and secluded because I have spend so much time with them since I have been back its suffocating. I need my own space and being able to do my own thing. My dad uses emotional blackmail and keeps saying don't you like spending time with your family.

I don't know what to do. My counsellor said I should talk to me family. Right now that is extremely unlikely. I would not know how to speak to them or what to say to them. How the hell do I say to them I still have severe depression and a really bad anxiety disorder. That I don't know how to make it go away and I just seem to be getting worse. It's like I am clamming up again, not wanting to speak to people about how I feel. I feel like I don't want to burden them with my problems and worries.

I don't know what to do anymore. : (

On a completely random note. I love talking to people. In person or on the phone or over skype. Its so much nicer than reading words.

Wigilia.

2010-12-25T13:00:00.000Z

Being Polish I celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. We prepare the house by tidying it and getting all the food ready. Wigilia is a 12 course meal which starts after the star has been seen in the sky. Usually about 5/6pm. It starts with sharing of the oplatek and wishing each person good luck and things they hope will happen. I had my dad first wishing me, I just burst into uncontrollable tears for about 5 minutes. I have no idea why that happened. I even said sorry. I felt better though after. I had been building up all my thoughts and emotions without expelling how I felt to anyone that it al became too much. I still didn't feel very christmassy. After the sharing of wishes the other courses were eaten. Sledzie, smoked salmon with lemon, bread, Barszcz and Uszka, Winegret, Pierogi, fried breaded fish. This year we did have peppers and a normal salad. Usually we have more courses like fish in jelly and other crazy things that I am not partial to. There are also a whole variety of different cakes and sweet goodies. But usually after the savoury dishes we sit in the lounge and sing polish carols. After each choosing a carol we open our presents, with Tata handing out presents to each of us. Have a little break with some cakes and what not. Then carry on opening presents. We leave about 10pm to go to midnight mass in Laxton Hall. Midnight mass is about 11pm because then we are in synch. After mass usually people stay up till whatever, watching films, reading books playing games etc or sleep.

Christmas day there is no Christmas meal e.g turkey roast potatoes etc. We have that on Boxing day instead. On Christmas day it is tradition to do no cooking and just have leftovers. The Christmas Day breakfast if full of Polish meats, salads and other goodies, followed by cakes and sweet things. This day is spent just relaxing and watching films, playing games, reading books, eating, drinking and whatever takes our fancy. Think I shall read the mass of books I brought with me. I never have time to read much in Cardiff because of how busy I am. Plus might play on the consoles with the siblings. Anything to get rid of the loneliness I feel in my heart.

Merry Christmas one and all.

Do I?

2010-12-24T15:11:00.001Z

Do I hate Christmas?

I don't hate Christmas. Hate is a strong word. Right now I cannot stand it. I am so not in the Christmas mood its unbelievable. The house is almost ready and the food is almost prepared. I still have not wrapped my presents. I have no want to do anything for Christmas. I am filled with dread at the prospect of tonights meal. I am not even expecting much as in presents or happiness. Before I would get all excited and look forward to my family opening the presents I gave them, seeing what they got, having a meal together in celebrations of Christ's birth, singing carols etc. Now nothing more could fill me with sadness and misery. This is my first Christmas being single for a long time. I do not think I should impact the way I feel. I guess it does because there is not that special someone that I bought a present for and bought presents together for my family. Like an empty space unable to fill in the void.

Do I hate being at home?

Right now I hate being at home. I hate how everything is unfair. How individuals are treated unfairly. It makes me want to break down and cry or beat someone senseless. Everyone just shouts at one another. I am still treated like a child and others are spoilt. I am an adult. I see things that I cannot deal with on my own. I mention this and then get shouted at for trying to make trouble when all I want is to prevent it. I cannot and will not be coming back here after Uni. I will get any job or more than one so I can stay in Cardiff. There are tiny rays of happiness. Like being able to drive the car, seeing friends, playing on the Xbox or playstation with the brother/sister. But they are extremely rare. Arguments over shadow everything. My short temper is always tested here. I am so stressed and anxious I sleep less. My family don't understand my situation. My counsellor said I should talk with them about how I am. I don't even think of wanting to do this at all. I would never know how to tell them. Communication is not good especially on sensitive subjects. No one really understands and then they think they know better and say I am just being silly or I should try these methods. I have tried so many different things. I know they care put it just feels that they are just patronising. I especially cannot stand when one siblings thinks she knows everything and she does everything to help. When in fact she is a selfish spoilt brat who lies and shifts blame all the time.

Do I miss Cardiff?

I miss Cardiff more than words can say. I miss not being able to have my own space, doing whatever I want to do whenever I wanted to do it, going and visiting places of people at whatever times. I miss the busy atmosphere, the constant buzz, the crazy individuals, friends etc. There is so much to do there, so easy to get to places and cheaper than back home. Only downfall is I miss driving a car there. Cardiff is my home now. I have travelled to a fair few places, but it is Cardiff I always want to go back to. I will stay in Cardiff after Uni, there is no way I can come back home, only to move the rest of my things out. I miss my own room, my bigger bed, the majority of my things are there, my life is there now.

Do I look forward to next year?

I don't know if I am looking forward to next year. This year has been atrociously and horrendously bad with a few rays of happiness which unfortunately have been short lived or over shadowed by dread and sadness. I have no expectations for next year at all. I will just have to face whatever life throws at me. Thats what I have had to do this year. Many have worked out well and others have ended badly. We learn from our mistakes. I am trying to be a better person. I am not perfect but I try my best in being the best I can. Even with my expectations set to high. I am unlucky and unappreciated. I am hated but also loved. I am called beautiful but feel unattractive. My self esteem is shot to pieces. My motivation and determination is in tatters. Battling each day is extremely exhausting. Next year better be better. I cannot deal with going through another year like this one and all the trials and tribulations. I do not want to be hated for my mistakes. I am sorry if I hurt anyone. I did not do that intentionally. I want everyone to be happy and care too much about what others think and feel. I don't give enough time for myself, my sanity or my happiness.

Do I have a New Years resolution?

I never really ever have one. This time I think I shall. I want to be happy. Happy being me. I need to take care of myself first. I spend too much time worrying, stressing, over analysing and over thinking everything and anything. I need to learn how to relax. I need to be able to actually sleep and eat properly. I need to build up my self-esteem and confidence once more. I need to get rid of depression once and for all. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. I have felt like this for too long a time. Once I have sorted myself and my life out everything will hopefully fall into place.

Do I have any regrets?

I have so many regrets its insane. I worry about the other possible outcomes if I have done things differently. It slowly eats away at me. I accept when I was wrong. I apologise for the things I have done wrong, for the people I have hurt, for situations that have arisen, for anything and everything that has caused anyone pain. I have regrets but looking back I may have treated or reacted the situation differently. Oh hindsight how you annoy me. I was in a bad state this year. Everything fell apart. Everything became an even bigger mess than it was and it continued spiralling out of control. My anxiety and problems have got worse. I have lost even more weight and gained even bigger sleeping and eating problems. I want everything to be good, my expectations are set to high and so my disappointments are even bigger. I am not perfect. I do not strive to be. I just want to be loved and accepted for the way I am. I am brutally honest (sometimes lacking tact), kind, caring, selfless, wants others to be happy, an awesome cook, I am full of life experiences and knowledge, common sense is key though sometimes acts like a child. I have many faults and failings but everyone does. I am trying to fix them and be better. I regret getting myself in this bad state. I shouldn't blame myself. But I tend to blame myself for everything. I annoy myself.

This blog has been rather long but needed to cover some topics that have been plaguing my mind. I must tear away from pouring my heart out and actually make little boxes, packing and getting things ready for tonight. I have lost all hope for happiness in life. Me and happiness were not meant to be. Yet I still strive for it. Man I am messed up. My heart feels like it is being torn to shreds with the anxieties, worries and stresses that will not leave me and I unintentionally put on myself. I let so many things get to me. I don;t know how to stop it doing so either. Really needing a hug right now. I am so not in the mood for Christmas, even with Christmas songs blaring from downstairs. Feeling so hollow and empty of happiness.

ARGH!!! I infuriate myself so much. : (

Christmas Spirit.

2010-12-23T22:53:00.001Z

I have been trying to get into the Christmas spirit all day. Braving the snow and ice visiting a dearest friend. Shopping for food for Christmas meals and what not. Making truffles. Cleaning and tidying. I am completely shattered and drained after a bad night sleep of waking every hour after 3am when getting up at 9am. Listening to Christmas songs and watching Christmas films.

Still not in the mood.

I feel oddly hollow. Almost emotionless. Like I don't really exist. What is the point in existing. I treat everything as normal; not being able to sleep, rest, eat, think properly. Having a constant headache, aches and searing pains. Staying happy is incredibly difficult. Like a constant recurring feeling of dread and worry. I annoy and infuriate myself because I don't want to feel like this. I hate having a short temper. I hate how much the bad things about myself annoy and eat at me.

I want to be happy. I want to live in Cardiff. I want to have a job.

I don't want to be belittled and made to feel like shit.

Meh.

Unappreciated.

2010-12-22T21:37:00.000Z

I wish I was back in Cardiff. I just feel so unappreciated here. I am ill. I should be in bed resting. Instead I am running around trying to get the house ready for Christmas. I ask my brother and he does what he is told. My two younger sisters just don't do anything. They do whatever they want to do then run off away from responsibility. Then I get shouted at because I pester and shout at them. Lack of complete authority. Why can't they just listen and help. Things would be done much quicker.

It hurts my heart so. I feel even more worried and anxious. Nothing seems to go right. Fighting children just for them to learn they should be doing this themselves is a constant battle. I just want them to learn that they should tidy up after themselves without having being asked or told to. I feel like giving up. Just hiding in my bed trying to get better. But then Christmas will not be as good as it could be.

Just had a mini crazy spell. The Illusionist is on ITV2. We don't have it. Then my bro and I went crazy because we both want to watch it. He went to get his TV so plug into the freeview. But I autotuned the TV and now we have more channels and ITV2 so we can watch the film. Phew didn't think I breathed enough. My head hurts.

My mood has been odd today. I feel hollow and kind of unwanted. Like a disappointment.

Already Busy.

2010-12-21T16:22:00.001Z

Keeping busy is the only way to survive this holiday. Today already been chauffeur, personal shopper and assistant, cleaner, cook etc. So ill cold and tired. I am wearing so many layers its ridiculous. I even bought a Man's pure woollen jumper from a charity shop for the bargain price of £3.50 because I am that cold and did not think I had to bring more clothes with me. Been tidying as well. I shouldn't really I am so exhausted and ill. My head feels like it wants to explode. My bruised back from my backpack yesterday hurts even more today.

Trying to stay optimistic. Tidying and shopping have been completed. Cider and Cinnamon and Raisin Bagels = WIN. For the time being anyway. Having dinner at Babcia's tonight. She always makes amazing meals. The CSI:Miami finale tonight and XBOX with the Bro. Thats tonight sorted.

Wonder how this optimism streak will last till it all backfires and explodes.

One lives in hope.

Trains.

2010-12-20T20:49:00.000Z

I am not a massive fan of trains or travelling by myself. It is just extremely stressful and unreliable. Especially with adverse weather conditions. Today I had to walk to Cardiff Central from Cathays because no trains were travelling because of the snow. Got to Central and it was manically busy. Trains delayed and cancelled. Had to wait for an hour and 20 mins just for my train to arrive. I became a human popsicle. I was so frozen. There was a massive cheer when the train finally arrived. The train was so unbelievably packed full of people and their suitcases. They had another train follow ours and make everyone on our train who had to get off at Bristol Temple Meads, Swindon and Didcot Parkway to get off at Newport and get the following train. Got in so late to London Paddington that I missed by tube and trains back home. So glad that no tickets were checked because everyone and everything was running late.

Eventually got back home all frozen. Badly bruised my back from carrying my heavy backpack. Missing Cardiff already. Miss having freedom to do whatever and whenever I wanted. Oh well going back for New Year. Need to sort out dissertation and major project work. So much to do now. All I want is to fall asleep and feel rested.

As if that will ever happen. I live in hope.

Snow.

2010-12-18T23:01:00.000Z

This is the first time I have been in Cardiff and this ridiculous almost knee deep amount of snow has fallen. I was supposed to leave for home home on Friday. Thanks to the snow I didn't. I changed my ticket for Monday. I am so glad I did that. I am ill and feeling really shitty. However I enjoyed the snow falling so much it was covered in it, it kept falling into my eyes, was soaking and the crazy snowball fights. It is just annoying now it has started to melt or got trodden on and has become ice and deadly to walk on. The walk to the station will be interesting.

This past week I have not been busy and not in a good state to write a blog. I had a complete meltdown to hand in my project. I did get everything in overall. I had so many problems to deal with in one day I cracked. Went out and got a bit tipsy and danced the night away. It helped a small time but not in the long run. So many problems has to be tackled. Massive ones that could affect my degree. Thank goodness all of that is sorted. I managed to get my Contingency Fund. I am so happy that I have at least some more money in my overdraft.

This week has been in good also. Tuesday was the course Christmas meal. Was fun to mingle and not worry about work. Getting secret santa present of drinking glasses. My dear friend Rob made me a massive yellow mixture of goodies. Yellow bowl/record, a CD about yellow and other awesome crazy music, some offcuts of yellow wool and yellow lemons from Lori. I have been kept rather busy but in a this is good. I managed to get back to seeing my counsellor. He mentioned about not having too high expectations so not to have massive disappointments or self doubts.

Right now I may be ill but I am happy. Slightly stressed and queasy but I can handle that. I am almost fully packed but I can sort it all out before I leave. I hope everything goes smoothly. I know it doesn't because its me. But one lives in hope. Been watching Christmas movies in hope to get into the mood plus being surrounded by snow helps :)

This has been oddly an optimistic blog. Not writing the stress and pain I suffered and I have now tried to forget is good. Hope this good time carries on through the jolly season into the new year.

Life.

2010-12-12T20:14:00.000Z

When your whole world falls around your feet,

when you do not know what to do anymore,

when every triumph is overshadowed with unsuccessful battles,

being strong and fighting on

seems too difficult to achieve

but

it is the only way to survive.

Life is just a massive fucking mess. I just seem to be able to grasp what the hell is going on because everything changes so fast. I am having to rewrite this blog because stupid blogger decided to eat it and not let me post it. Annoying. Life is just one big pain with occasional rays of sunshine. I want to be able to truly feel happy. When I am happy now its short lived or me wanting more to be happy than actually being happy. My pain, stresses and worries just don't want to go away.

When people ask me "How are you?" or "Are you ok?" the majority of the time I am not and just saying "yea I am fine" is so much easier than saying no and having to explain myself to why not. Some people i do say what i really mean because I know they care how I really feel. To others I see no point in telling them "No I'm not ok, I hate my life but I want to be happy. Drinking makes the pain blurry. I don't know what to do anymore." Some people may read this and think I am just being dramatic. Don't care because its the truth. I swear I am unlucky. Nothing goes my way. Something bad happens, usually drastically bad as well. So many problems all come at once. I can barely find time just to live.

Optimism has left me. Trying to think of the silver lining to the thunderstorm clouds is incredibly difficult if I am getting struck my lighting. When trying to think optimistically and being hopeful it just completely kills me. At the end I just got my hopes up for nothing and I become more miserable. I hate it. I want to be happy and think differently to achieve that but I don't know how.

The past two days have been messy. Friday busy all day doing work then unintentionally getting smashed on a fiver. Feeling like death the next day. Friend helped me with work and got a free pizza. Quick change at home then CIA for Bullet For My Valentine supported by Atreyu and Bring Me The Horizon. BFMV was rather boring and was in lots of pain for standing up for so long. Atreyu and BMTH were amazing. So good. After a trip to a pub and Clwb. Good night all in all I guess. I am so exhausted. Should eat but stress doesn't want it.

Meh.

Need a hug and to cry in someones arms.

Counselling.

2010-12-09T19:26:00.000Z

Today was the last session with my counsellor. It was hard. I felt like my heart was going to explode. I feel so empty and hollow. Like a zombie. I was talking to him and I stopped myself because I had no idea what I was saying or where I was going with what I was saying. I feel completely out of touch. I laugh and smile to hide the pain and suffering I have. A very rare few notice. I cannot achieve the impossible even though I try. It is draining all energy from me. My counsellor says I should channel my energy more on myself and making myself happy. That way I won't be so exhausted. I worry so much about others and how they feel. This constantly worrying and stressing over things that have happened or could happen.

Why is life so fucking complicated. Life is just tortuous for me. I am barely functioning.

I need to find myself.

I need to find happiness again.

But how?

Blogs.

2010-12-08T00:03:00.001Z

A friend mentioned that I should right more happy blogs. I would if it reflected my mood.

Culinary Beast.

2010-12-07T23:56:00.000Z

That is moi. As called by my dear friend Rob.
Made such an amazing Bolognese it was epic. Made a cake for my housemate. He loved it and it was a lovely surprise after lots of silly little texts trying to get him to come home and see it. Like asking about borrowing drawing pins.
Yesterday was alright but not really. Was fun hanging out with a friend watching films and cooking. But not the pain. Immense back pain and head pain.
Today started badly. In pain couldn't get out of bed to go to Uni. So frustrated with myself. So difficult to have any sleep. So much pain. SO much to do. AAAARRRGGHHH. Thanks to a friend found a cool cafe place called Pipi's :D

Lame.

2010-12-05T17:42:00.000Z

Today was lame. Running late for mass but mass was late. There was a baptism and it was super cold. Then there was a power cut. Town was super heaving and couldn't bear being in town. Went to Lidl and bought some food which will hopefully last me a while. Although need to buy some cinnamon and raisin bagels. Craving cider. I always crave cider. I blame my friend for introducing me to it.

Last night was pretty good went to the Cardiff Arts Institute. It was crazily packed. There was a band which were pretty good. The mosh pit was dangerous and had to leave. Had some random guys come talk to me. Also the bouncer. So many old creepy men. Bonus was that they had lego on a wall. Its quite a nice place.

Ross Noble is amazing. I love his humour and shows.

Mess.

2010-12-04T18:08:00.000Z

Everything is a huge mess.

My room is a bomb site and needs a complete overhaul. It is freezing. Things are lying everywhere and anywhere. Need to do a massive clear out.

My head is a massive mess of everything whizzing around and not being able to focus on one thing. I hate it when I am by myself with my thoughts. Nothing seems to get done. I used to be so decisive and driven. Things would get done and sorted quickly and efficiently. Everything now takes so long to complete. Sleep is just not really happening and if it is, it is a stupid hours of the day.

I have lost all motivation.

I don't know how to just my act into gear.

I feel so lost.

Eating just doesn't really happen if worries and anxiety take over.

So much work to do. So many things my head worries about. Over thinks and over analyses.

I've started clamming back up. Not talking much and just keeping what I think to myself. I feel that talking about things, ideas and problems just does not work anymore. I seem to push people away.

Friends have been dropping like flies.

Everyday I dread.

I dread the problems I have to face. I dread how everything seems to go sour. I hate how things spiral out of control.

I hate being me. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I don't want people to dislike me. It was never my intention. I can't fix everyone. I can't change people's opinions especially when influenced by others.

Yesterday was fun. Took me ages to get out of bed. Food was not a thing to think about. Work let down because stupid license for CAD is still trapped in the servers. It works for some people just not for me. Met up with a friend and had some food at the New York Deli. I love that place, I had a cinnamon and raisin bagel with cream cheese and honey :D Was lush. Then checked out the dreaded Urban Outfitters. Just kinda annoyed when walking around and thinking was so close in getting a job. Lack of experience probably let me down. It always does. Went back to mine and watched QI then the longest films ever one after another. Transformers 1, The Dark Knight and Transformers 2. Was fun hanging out and trying to forget how crappy life is. I hate being by myself. Over thinking drains everything out of me.

Today was horrid. Couldn't fall asleep till about 9am and slept till 2pm. Body clock is shot to pieces. Feel even more exhausted than before I slept. Room is still a mess but not as bad as it was. Train tickets for going home for Christmas arrived today. Seen some pretty pictures of snow and happy Christmas times. Hopefully it will make me be cheerful and look forward to this festive season. At the moment it is not at all. It is so cold its insane. Tried on some clothes and they do not fit at all. Ridiculously baggy and fall down. Thanks for the inventions of belts. It's just gone 6pm and it feels like 12pm. Im out by about 6 hrs. ANNOYING! It is so unbelievably cold. Many layers are not keeping me warm. Tidying room shall commence.

Meh.

So much for a positive and optimistic blog.

Tired.

2010-11-30T17:51:00.000Z

Haven't slept. Shattered. I hate sinusitis. I love extensions for uni. Feeling queasy. Not as stressed as I was.

Yesterday everything went wrong in one day. Uni infrastructure crashed thanks to the water tank about the main server leaked onto it. Therefore any licenses for the programmes were gone with any access to student files. This stopped my plans for finishing my CAD and print it off to use for my drawings and making of my model. Then once made my model I could do some visuals. That all went tits up. Wanted to cry. Not to mention a package hasn't been delivered. :( Been waiting for aaages. Also got a letter from Uni saying I must pay for my tuition fees for the year when I have already paid for my fees last year. LOts of stress and worry. Having sinusitis and feeling like shit does not help everything either. My door to my room was bad when it didnt actually lock properly and I could just open it with a slight push. But it is fixed now, have an extension, my tonnes of medicines are helping a little. Went out last night with a friend and had a good time. Was good from not stressing about my situation. Good to dance away blues. Although so tired because couldn't sleep.

I am so tired and not really with it. Kinda like a zombie. Texting the wrong people. Talked to my housemate. He is a complete spoilt brat and a social retard with a coughing problem. He was complaining about how he is shattered after getting up early working all day and cooking, then continuing with work. I have been like that for many many years of my life. I have cooked for myself and my family after coming back from a busy packed day. He even admitted to being spoilt by his mum who cooks and cleans for him. He is so annoying and leaves a mess of washing in his wake and eats so much shit that it stinks out the house and my room.

ARGH.

Stop thinking of things that annoy you. I am cooking an awesome dinner. I love the fact I can cook and cook well. I amaze myself at times at how good it tastes. Bit bigheaded I guess. Guess I should just keep it to myself from now on.

This guy is remarkable.

Enervated.

2010-11-26T18:20:00.000Z

Considering I am ill I have been rather productive today. Though not for my work. I have been to uni, got foamboard, went food shopping, did 2 washes and hung one out, cleaned the back log of dirty dishes, sorted and put out the black bins and recycling, sorted out the ariel and the TV in my room, cleaned my room a little and now making dinner. I am exhausted but after food I have to finish my visuals and start them on photoshop.

I hope I don't have sinusitis. I talked to my auntie and she told me I have a virus so no antibiotics. Today is friday and Ross Noble is on QI and The Mentalist is on. So TV wise I am sorted. Going out being ill and whilst its freezing and snowing is not going to happen.

Shambles.

2010-11-26T11:39:00.001Z

Feeling so ill. Going to uni everyday is taking its toll. Must do work even though all I think I can handle is laying in bed. Money situation is dire but my head seems oblivious to it. My head feels like it is going to explode. Feel so exhausted. Had a migraine yesterday. I looked so stupid wearing sunglasses in Uni.

Going to Uni now to give back a jacket to friends from a friend. Was going to stay and do work but I wont be able to handle it. Think I will go to town and get some material for my model and start that instead and finish the visuals to take pictures of and photoshop.

This week has been pretty shit. My only frying pan was broken. Had a random woman knock on our door and shout at me about the bins. Work being so incredibly difficult to do by fighting shitty computers who crash every minute. Problems with trying to sort out the contingency fund. It being unbelievably cold and realising you don't really have anything that is that warm to wear or any money to purchase anything. The washing machine breaks. Heating broke but all is fixed.

People suffer and complain about minor problems that occasionally affect their lives. I have constant minor problems but tonnes of major ones. Life is never good for a while. There are good moments like hanging out with friends or getting some money back from the trip to Prague. It is always undermined by shit things happenings.

I had a crap day at Uni with everything going wrong and not wanting me to do work. Hung out with a friend for dinner and had a mini adventures getting cider. It was just before 11pm searching Crwys Road and Albany Road for places that sell Koppanberg Cider. Almost getting run over by a crazy indecisive car driver. But not actually realising it could have ended badly. Then going a different way home. Not attempting sleep till about 4am and then getting up early to go to uni.

Went to the doctors to get pain meds for my really bad headache but it does not help relieve pain but causes more stomach pain. Defeats the point really in taking them. I hate it when there are so many different drugs in helping things and yet I get given ones that do not work. It is so annoying.
Some people don't understand me. I do not have time for people who do not care about me. It makes me sad that they do not care and want nothing to do with me. But I will be better off without them. Some are so childish and feel so high and mighty. People make mistakes and apologise for them. We are only human. I have too much to deal with to actually care about people who didn't really want anything to do with me and were called my friends yet didn't fulfil that responsibility. Too much stress and worry goes on that. I cannot be dealing with it anymore.
Meeeh.

Must go and brave the outside freezing world of Cardiff. Probably will lose limbs.

Struggling.

2010-11-22T11:38:00.000Z

I hate how everyday is such hard work. Sleeping is pointless because I never feel refreshed or get any sleep. Getting out of bed to actually do anything is a massive battle to fight the pain in my head. I have become really paranoid with myself and the way people perceive me. Why should I care what they think? But oddly their actions effects me so. I have the tendency to believe I am to blame. If I am I don't know what I have done wrong. I hate it when someone doesn't speak to me or ignores me and I don't know why or what I did wrong.

Trying to be optimistic is so incredibly difficult I don't know how to be happy like I was during and a few days after Prague. I need to eat to take my pain medicine for my head. My stomach doesn't want anything to eat due to joyous stress. Battling with the body is frustrating. Recently been rather annoyed and frustrated at myself and being able to function normally.

I am already running late. I hate not being able to follow plans. Workload is taking a battering. I need to get so much done yet constantly fighting the anti-work-mode in my head. SO annoying.

The lack of money is stupid. I cannot play roller derby to relieve anger and stress. They are going to kick anyone off the team who cannot play. For poor people its ridiculous. Makes me sad. I live so far away from the training places, cannot afford to get there or pay the fee.

I don't know what to do. I keep over analysing things and over thinking situations. Making myself worse.

Strange.

2010-11-21T19:47:00.002Z

Really quite freaked out that my Billy Connolly blog has over 40 views in one day. Massive influx of people wanting him obviously. Hahaa! Its not my longest blog either.

What's The Point?

2010-11-21T19:45:00.001Z

Why do I even bother making any effort? Its paranoia they say, but in this case it isn't. Being ignored to my face means something is up. I wish people were just honest and could tell me what their problem is with me. You put less strain on me and worry. I don't understand when people get on so well together and then suddenly cut off all contact. Do you know what being a friend means? I can't be bothered in pestering and making the effort when it isn't reciprocated. Makes me sad because I hate losing friends.

I have realised that I have lost a substantial amount of weight. Not the proper way of losing weight stress and anxiety. Still losing weight. Not too mention nothing of my clothes really fits. Look bit of a frump. Been trying to eat more than a meal a day. Its a mission when feeling sick with worry. Lets say is a work in progress.

Workload is so vast I cannot and wont think about it because it will just bring on a panic attack. Planning what I do each day is the only way to move forward. Instead of worrying over everything that is due in, in 2 weeks. Not to mention have to remember to get a railcard and train tickets for christmas back home. Do I come back to Cardiff for the New Year? Will have to see.

Need to get rid of the ball of stress that is making me feel queasy. My heart feels so tight. ARGH!! I don't know to make the pain go away. Suffer in silence. Talking to others isn't really an option anymore. So many don't actually care. I don't want to put my worries on them. But then they just build up inside me and make me worse.

FML.

I don't what to think or who to turn to. I don't know what to do in my life. So far its hand in work for my deadline, get a railcard and train tickets. I hate worrying and not being able to stop worrying. Blowing things out of proportion with over thinking and over analysing everything. I wish I could stop being like this. But then who would I be. Who am I really? I feel like I have lost myself in my mess of a life.

Although yesterday a friend has said he has seen a vast improvement in me. I smile and laugh more. My fight seems to have made some progress. Just I don't know how long I will be able to battle.

Need a hug.